


Second Time Around

by astrangerenters



Category: Arashi (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anal Sex, Celebrities, Developing Relationship, Divorce, Explicit Sexual Content, Face Slapping, Getting Together, Light Angst, M/M, Mutual Masturbation, Oral Sex, Parenthood, Romance, Safe Sane and Consensual, Second Chances, Sex Toys, Slice of Life, Spanking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-21
Updated: 2015-10-21
Packaged: 2018-04-27 09:48:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 35,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5043628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/astrangerenters/pseuds/astrangerenters
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For Matsumoto Jun, happiness has been hard to come by lately. His work is unfulfilling and he craves a permanent, meaningful relationship. When someone from his past reappears, could it be the start of something new?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Lilly0](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lilly0/gifts).



Ohno plucked a stray black cat hair off of Jun’s sleeve, chuckling under his breath. “Rough day at the office?” he asked, pinching the hair between his fingers briefly before letting it fall to the floor of the shop.

Jun self-consciously brushed his hand against his sleeve, in case more of Takoyaki’s fur had gotten on him. Takoyaki, a four year old black and white cat and the last animal they had in that day, had shed like crazy, blanketing the office from the front door to the exam rooms. Usually Jun caught everything with his lint roller before heading out for the day, but the office had closed early that afternoon because Shimura-sensei had just started instituting “Half Day Fridays.”

“Every day is a rough day at the office,” he grumbled, jerking away from Ohno’s poking, prodding fingers in favor of standing behind Nino, who hadn’t budged from his place in front of his laptop even though Jun had dropped by. Nino had been furiously typing, then stopping, then typing again for the better part of twenty minutes, had acknowledged Jun with little more than a nod since he arrived.

He looked at the website coding Nino had before him. He was composing the text for a new product page. “They don’t all have to be essays, do they? I mean, between a picture and product specifications, people ought to know what they’re getting…”

This finally got Nino to budge, hunched over as he was. He turned to look up at Jun, offering a cynical smile. “For someone like you groomed from a young age to entertain, you certainly have no concept of how retail works. People can go to any other page to buy this stuff, but mine is fun. Mine’s meant to make everything sound like a must-buy!”

He swallowed down Nino’s oh-so-casual reminder of everything Jun had given up, shaking his head. “How much do you really have to say about a butt plug?”

Nino leaned back in his chair a bit, wrapping an arm around him, circling Jun’s thighs. “Pluggie-san resents your implication that he’s the same as all the rest.” Nino lifted the toy from the countertop beside his computer, poking at the plastic packaging encasing it. “We have something for everyone. It’s our selling point.”

Jun felt that he’d had this conversation with Nino a hundred times over the last few years. Ninomiya Kazunari had not followed the typical path of the “former idol,” that was for damn sure. He’d quit Johnny’s at twenty, circling around odd jobs like pizza delivery scooter driver and a brief stint at a bank before going into business with a friend. Seven years ago, SK Enterprises had been founded, an erotic shop that sold sex toys and every flavor of pornographic film under the sun. 

Nino and his business partner, Ohno Satoshi, maintained random business hours that suited them. A few hours on a Tuesday morning, a Thursday afternoon. Ninety-six percent of their sales came from online anyhow since they prided themselves on discretion, opting for the innocuous SK Enterprises name over any sort of sexual innuendo. They saved that for their company website, which Nino mostly wrote himself - from product reviews to promotional offers. His partner, Ohno, did more of the nitty-gritty, pulling items from the stock room and packaging them up for customers, biking over to the post office to ship things out in plain, discreet boxes.

Jun had met Nino when they were thirteen, both of them dancing in the back and mostly out of sight back then, and here they were almost twenty years later, still friends and neither of them in the futures they’d planned. Nino was a lifelong pragmatist, though, taking things as they came along. He hadn’t dreamed of being the owner of a sex shop as a kid, but it “paid the bills” and he had no real ambition to try anything else since SK was doing well. Jun, on the other hand…Jun’s life took him further and further from his dreams with each passing day, with each stray cat hair he found on his sleeve, with each nervous hamster that pissed on him.

Ohno disappeared into the stock room while Jun watched Nino type out the additional selling points of “Pluggie-san,” among them that the silicone material was safe for people sensitive to chemicals and that the bullet vibe that could be fitted inside the plug provided “unmatched sensations that’ll make your toes curl.”

“You still down for tonight?” Nino asked, turning over the package so he could add Pluggie-san’s measurements to the web design program he had open.

He nodded. “Sure.” 

Socializing, even in the Nino and Ohno meanings of the word, was a better way to spend an evening than combing job boards and tweaking one of the seventy-two different cover letters he had saved in the “Job Search” folder on his own computer. That and binge watching depressing Scandinavian murder mysteries had filled his evenings of late, and Jun was tired of it. 

Jun was tired of a lot of things. At least Nino’s company would be a welcome distraction from reality. But in the back of his head, Jun sometimes feared that he relied too heavily on Nino’s distractions and Ohno’s distractions. He sometimes feared that if he let things continue as they were, he’d never dig himself out.

Ohno re-emerged from the back room, a small plastic bottle in tow. “This is the one you wanted, right?” Ohno asked, setting it down on the counter. They’d settled into such a comfortable routine, the three of them, that the presentation of the night’s “challenge item” no longer held much anticipation. Well, at least it didn’t for Jun.

Nino eyeballed it quickly, scratching his chin and nodding before turning back to his code. “That’s the one.”

Ohno picked it up again, squinting a little at the dark blue bottle. “You know this is made for ladies, right?”

“Is that jealousy I’m hearing?” Nino shot back, not even looking away from his screen.

Ohno’s round, gentle face grew a little pinker. “Of course not. Like I want to try your girly lube.”

Jun started moving, not really in the mood to listen to the snippy little argument that was due to break out any moment. His life was already too weird, sitting in this tiny store, the wall behind him lined with dildos in every color of the rainbow. “Come by around 8:00 and I’ll have dinner ready,” he said, heading for the exit.

Nino just lifted his hand, waving goodbye without looking at him. He caught Ohno’s wry little smile before he pushed the frosted glass door open, emerging into Dogenzaka. He walked past bars, past love hotels that wouldn’t open their doors for a few hours yet. Just another anonymous face in a sea of humanity flowing to and from Shibuya Station. Sleepwalking through another day, waiting for his fortunes to improve. 

—

Nino had shown up half an hour late without an explanation, toting the blue plastic bottle in a tan paper bag, showing up at Jun’s apartment door in the same ratty jeans, green beanie, and “Do we got problem?” pink t-shirt he’d been wearing at the shop. He seldom put in any additional effort. By now, Jun figured their situation was routine, that Nino felt no need to treat it as anything more than it was.

He and Nino had been fucking around on and off for six years now, once they’d reconnected and Nino had introduced him to SK Enterprises. At first, it had been something that made sense because neither of them wanted to be tied down by a serious relationship. They’d both known, even as teenagers, what sex they preferred in a partner, but neither of them had acted on it back then. It had just been sex, to start, but Nino, ever the savvy entrepreneur, had been the one to suggest mixing business and pleasure.

And thus they had nights like tonight, where Nino would show up at Jun’s apartment with something from SK in tow. Nino refused to sell anything that he or Ohno hadn’t tried themselves, and the two of them had discovered years ago that they weren’t the most sexually compatible with some of the stuff they stocked. Nino and Ohno both preferred to be the submissive party when it came to bedroom activities, which made it hard for the pair of them to try out bondage gear and likeminded items together. So they came to Jun.

Nino came to Jun with a desire for a free meal and was grateful that Jun didn’t mind if he mostly skipped over a post-coital cuddle or cigarette in favor of taking out his phone and jotting down notes for his eventual product write-up or review for the SK homepage. Jun had long grown used to the sight of Nino in his bed or on his sofa, cross-legged, naked, his slim body dripping with sweat as he typed emails to himself. It was fucked up, probably, but even an uptight person like Jun (Nino’s words, not his own) got over it quickly because it was preferable to have someone else around instead of jacking off alone.

It was a few years into Nino and Jun’s arrangement before Ohno felt brave enough to inquire about an arrangement of his own. Ohno, shy but unable to hide it any longer, had simply shown up at Jun’s one night with a ball gag and a hopeful look in his eyes. “Kazunari says it’s okay,” Ohno had said, running a hand through his short, spiky hair nervously as he stood in Jun’s genkan that night. “He says it’s okay, so…” And that had been the start of that.

It was once a week, usually, Ohno and Nino switching off depending on what new item they wanted to try with Jun. They rarely came by together, if only because until recently Jun hadn’t had the time and energy for it. Not when they were always bringing things that took effort, trust, and negotiation. Jun hadn’t had a normal sex life in more than half a decade, but it hadn’t been a big deal before. His job had run him ragged, but he’d still been able to get laid, no strings attached. He hadn’t had to resort to cruising through bars, hadn’t had to swipe his way through apps in hopes of finding someone. With Nino and Ohno, it wasn’t forever, it wasn’t more than it was, but at least he wasn’t alone.

Jun came back from the kitchen after washing dishes to find that Nino had switched off the movie they’d been watching in favor of opening Jun’s laptop and logging into one of the many porn sites he was a member of. “Got a preference?” Nino asked in his almost indifferent manner, having shucked off his jeans at some point while Jun had been scrubbing their plates. His bony knees were flush against the coffee table, seated as he was on the edge of Jun’s sofa cushion, finger swishing back and forth across Jun’s trackpad.

Jun sat beside him, still fully dressed as he picked up the blue bottle. Satin Sheets lubricant, the bottle informed him. Apparently the stuff wasn’t just for keeping things slick during sex. It was a lubricant designed for daily use by a woman with dryness issues, not that Jun knew a whole lot about that specific part of a woman’s anatomy, seeing as how he’d never been with one. Porn wasn’t exactly a reliable guidebook. “In honor of tonight’s product,” Jun said, twisting off the cap, “we should probably watch something with a woman in it.”

“To honor the spirit of the product, I see,” Nino said with a gentle laugh, scratching an itch on his thigh and skimming the website. “Can you get off to lesbians or do you need a dick in the picture at some point?”

Jun laughed. Nino rarely brought in the adult videos from the shop to watch with him. That was more Ohno’s territory. “I can get off to lesbians.”

“An open-minded soul, that’s why we love you, Jun-pon,” Nino teased, reading through some of the video descriptions. 

Tonight was an easy night. He and Nino had tested at least a dozen kinds of lubricant before, and they’d both had a big dinner (Jun had been in full-on chef mode that evening), so they’d opted to just sample the new product by jerking off together. Once Nino had a video playing, two attractive women getting things started by making out topless, Jun got up from the couch and went to grab some towels and tissue from the bathroom.

There was an almost clinical detachment to the way Nino took the bath towel from his hand, positioning it under his ass as he sat back further on Jun’s sofa. For his part, Jun took his time watching the video on the small laptop screen, eventually unzipping his jeans and shoving them down to his ankles. He was only halfway hard when Nino leaned forward, ditching his t-shirt and his hat and reaching for the bottle. Jun couldn’t help watching as Nino squeezed some of the lube into his palm.

“It smells nice,” Nino remarked, sniffing it a little before moving to his cock and slicking it down.

“Smells like aloe vera,” Jun commented.

“All natural ingredients, Earth friendly,” Nino said, leaning back and starting to stroke himself lazily. “You probably don’t need that much, this is too much.”

Jun looked over, saw that a little of the stuff went a long way, holding back a chuckle at the slippery mess Nino now had to contend with between his legs. Even with the women in the video ramping up their activities, one of the women parting her partner’s thighs to kiss and lick with great enthusiasm, Jun was preoccupied. 

He was thirty-two years old. It was a Friday night, he was in the beginning stages of jerking off to lesbian porn, and his living room smelled like the linguini they’d eaten mixed with aloe vera. Come Monday, he’d once again be in the offices of Shimura-sensei, enduring Aiba’s gentle words of encouragement, listening to dogs howl in the waiting room while he wrote up appointment reminder emails.

For years, Matsumoto Jun had been a talent. He’d never debuted, but he’d had fans. He’d appeared on TV, had danced behind his seniors in concerts. And when that had ended, he’d gone to the other side, to management. He’d been in the celebrity world for more than half his life, and now here he was, almost a year gone from it, and what did he have to show for it? Rejections that he put through his paper shredder to keep from re-reading them over and over, job applications littering his computer in various stages of completion, scheduled nights in which he fucked his friends and they rarely stayed over because then it might actually mean something (heaven forbid). 

It was shit. His life was shit, and even with someone sitting beside him masturbating without shame, he still felt lonely as hell. His life had been full of people, and it had all changed. Collapsed around him. Was this what he ought to be doing with himself?

Nino looked over, sensing Jun’s anxiety with a shrewd look in his eyes, though his left hand was still working his cock at a steady rhythm. Nino had always been an excellent multi-tasker. “Lesbians aren’t doing it for you?” Nino asked, though Jun could tell from the tone of his voice that he knew Jun’s headspace was currently a disaster area.

Jun was embarrassed, shaking his head. “Just…still full from dinner, I guess.”

“You want me to help?” Nino asked, a moan from the laptop speakers making him stumble over his words a little. “Need a hand?”

He shook his head again. “I’ll just watch you.”

Nino smiled. He would never change, Jun knew that. He would always keep Jun, keep Ohno, at arm’s length. Nino loved them both, Jun knew that much, but it wasn’t exactly with the same intensity Jun was looking for. Jun knew Nino was never going to confess to him. Jun knew Nino was never going to have a “boyfriend,” a “partner,” a “permanent solution.” All he could do was be himself.

“Come here,” Nino said quietly, as forceful as he’d ever get. 

Jun shut out the porn, shut out the looming weeks and months ahead, and let Nino kiss him. Nino might have been lazy about some things, but he’d always been good at kissing. He slipped his tongue past Jun’s lips in seconds, clearly aiming to get Jun into a better mood quickly rather than drawing it out. Jun sighed contentedly, focusing on the slick, steady sound of Nino touching himself. Jun rested a hand behind Nino’s head, nestling his fingers in his hair, deepening their kiss and pretending there was more to it, if only because the promise of that, the fantasy of that, was always good at getting him hard. A bright future, happiness at the thought of permanence, something waiting for him at the end of this lonely, unfulfilled road. 

Within a minute of Nino’s tongue and mouth working magic, sloppy in a way Jun pretended to dislike but secretly loved, he was hard. “Okay,” he eventually said, “okay. I’m going to watch you though.”

He detangled himself from Nino, squeezing a small amount of lube into his palm. Watching Nino’s small hand slide up and down the length of his shaft, Jun started working himself in time with him. By now the diligent, pleasure-seeking lesbians were an afterthought and he gave in to the simple enjoyment of touching himself, of watching Nino shut his eyes tight and lose himself in whatever he was thinking of, whatever was keeping him rock hard and eager despite Jun’s erection-killing insecurity mere inches away. 

Since they were just jerking off, Jun could imagine anything he wanted. Nino always wanted Jun to fuck him. Nothing made Nino happier than crawling onto Jun’s mattress, sticking his perky little ass in the air and waiting for a long, hard fuck. Ohno was very much the same, though he usually preferred to sit on top of Jun and ride him or ride some new neon-colored toy Jun had pushed into him, squeezing Jun’s hands tight instead of noisily vocalizing his pleasure. Jun could imagine the opposite, at least in his own mind. Instead of doing the fucking, he could take it. He could lie on his back, knees up, get taken instead of doing the taking. Be the one bound instead of doing the binding. 

So much in his life was out of his hands, out of his control now. It surprised him that he still felt this way. That he still wanted it so badly. Wanting something he wasn’t liable to get unless he went looking for it elsewhere, in beds that didn’t belong to his best friends.

Soon enough Nino was reaching forward, grabbing a few tissues from the box. His back had barely hit the couch cushion again when he was coming with a soft little moan, sending a surge of heat through Jun’s body. It was the little push he needed. He leaned back a bit further and soon Nino was kissing him again, scattering kisses up and down his neck, making gentle little encouraging noises to give him a hand. 

He wanted Nino to ask him what he wanted, but it was for the best that he didn’t. Because in that moment, his eyes closed and coherent thought slipping away, he’d have probably said something he shouldn’t. He’d say something like “fuck me” or “I want you inside me” and Nino would just not be able to say anything in reply. So instead Jun just quickened the pace, nearly thrusting up and into his own hand when Nino started to run his fingers up and down his bare arm. And Nino was there a short time later, getting tissue into Jun’s hand just in time for him to come.

A while later, Nino was shoving the Satin Sheets back in his paper bag, was zipping up his jeans. “If I had vaginal dryness, I suppose this would be a helpful product.”

“That’s the line you need to put on the website,” Jun said, having kicked off his clothes to sit there naked. Nino preferred him that way, body flushed from exertion and on display for him. “I want to see the phrase ‘vaginal dryness’ on the page.”

“I’m gonna go,” Nino announced, back to the apartment he and Ohno shared. They spent so much time together, at home and at work, that Jun wondered what such a life was like.

“Don’t forget the leftovers.”

Jun listened to the sound of Nino in the kitchen, opening and closing the refrigerator, putting some of the leftovers into a separate container to bring home with him. The sheer bliss of those noises, of domesticity, might have brought a tear to Jun’s eye if he wasn’t still on a temporary high from getting off. Nino came back to give him a quick kiss, ruffling his hair before heading out for the night, leaving Jun naked on his sofa, entirely alone.

—

Wednesday morning had two cancellations in a row, which meant that Aiba had more time to bother him. Jun sat behind the reception counter, organizing and re-organizing the “patient” folders he’d pulled earlier that morning, even though he knew they were in order already. 

Aiba sat beside him in his white coat, had pulled up a chair and was technically reading through the latest issue of the _Journal of the Japanese Veterinary Medical Association_ , but he hadn’t turned the page in a while. “Well what about the one I sent you the other day?”

“Aiba-san,” Jun said as politely as he could manage, “that was for a Korean agency.”

“So?”

“I don’t speak Korean.”

Aiba laughed, patting Jun on the shoulder. “I guess I didn’t think about it that way! I just saw it and hit forward!”

“Thank you anyway,” Jun said, even as his stomach knotted and twisted uncomfortably. Aiba meant well, he kept telling himself. He ought to be grateful.

“What time is Ranger coming in?”

“11:15.”

“You’ll like Ranger,” Aiba said. “He’s a German Shepherd. Huge dog!”

The bigger dogs tended to get along better with Jun, although that wasn’t saying much. For the last few months Jun had been working at the Shimura Animal Hospital, filling in as the office’s administrative assistant since the previous admin had left to have a baby. He called to remind people of appointments and sent off emails, he filed charts, did scheduling, and processed payments. And then sometimes, in the case of some animals, he was called in by one of the vet techs to assist with weighing them or coaxing a frightened cat out of its carrier.

Jun had had a dog growing up, but otherwise he’d never been much of a Doctor Doolittle. Cats seemed to sense his unease and ignored him, dogs would slobber on him in greeting and not much else, and he always got nervous around the smaller creatures, around the gerbils and guinea pigs. But Aiba had wanted to help him and had gone to the trouble of arranging the job for him even though he had no experience working in an office like this.

Aiba Masaki was Nino’s childhood friend, who’d taken the train to the Johnny’s audition with him and had gotten cold feet. Where Nino went on to smile for the cameras, Aiba had finished high school, gone to university, gotten his degree in veterinary medicine. For the last several years he’d worked here with Shimura-sensei, serving as the second certified vet on staff. Though he wasn’t exactly adept at finding job postings to forward on to Jun, he was good at his real job. He’d memorized the names and charts of all of his “patients,” and some owners even brought their pets by just to say hello, even if they weren’t scheduled for a check-up.

Finally Aiba gave up on reading, closing the stuffy medical journal and getting to his feet. He stretched a bit, smiling his usual smile. Jun had never seen someone as content with his life as Aiba was, and he envied him that. “Gonna go check on Zeus’ stool sample!”

“You do that,” Jun said, chuckling under his breath as Aiba headed for the lab room in the rear of the facility where the vet techs spent much of their day looking at poop for abnormalities. Jun was glad that Aiba hadn’t recruited him for tasks like that.

After Ranger, the massive dog, had come and gone, Jun took his lunch break. It must have been Rejection Day across the country, as he found three emails sitting in his inbox all to that effect. One from a tour company (“no experience”), one from a multi-national corporation (“the position has been filled”), and one from an art gallery (no explanation provided). He spent the rest of his lunch sulking, listening to two of the vet techs at the table behind him going through a bridal magazine, expressing disgust at the cost of dresses.

He stuffed his empty bento box in his locker in the staff room, washing his hands before heading back to the front desk. Shimura-sensei was up front chatting with a woman who’d brought in her two cats, was making silly noises and poking his finger in one of the cat’s carriers. He was an odd guy to work for, might have been better suited as a comedian than a vet, but he always treated Jun with respect, even though it was clear he was just filling in until a real admin could be found.

When the woman left, Shimura-sensei knocked on the desk with his knuckles. “Who’s coming up?”

Jun tapped one of the file folders. “You’ve got Rascal the hamster at 1:00 and Bean the Siamese cat at 2:00.”

“Siamese cats! So snobby!” Shimura-sensei complained, shaking his head. “I’ll be on lunch now! Thanks Jun-kun.”

Jun set Shimura-sensei’s folders aside, examining Aiba’s. He had a cat named Elsa coming in at 12:45, and it was 12:34 now. There was a special note on the file in Aiba’s scribbled handwriting that said the owner, Ishihara-san, always brought her daughter along since it was her cat. Jun smiled. He was a little better at handling kids than pets. He opened the drawer beside him, finding a few bags of dog and cat treats that they gave as a reward to “good” patients. Beside them was a small bag of lollipops they gave to the kids, and he took one out for the little girl.

The office door opened with the jingling of the little bells Shimura-sensei had looped around the doorknob, and Jun looked up, expecting to see a mom and child with a cat carrier in tow. Instead there was an anxious-looking man in a business suit, holding a bright pink cat carrier in one hand and a little girl’s hand in the other.

“Come on, Saya-chan, we have to check Elsa in,” the man said to the girl, who wore a ruffled green dress that had a cartoon cat emblazoned on it, her black hair set in a pair of lopsided pigtails.

Jun stilled, hand still clutching the lollipop as the man came up to the desk. And soon they were both frozen in place.

He somehow found his voice again. “Sho-kun?”

It had been years, but there was really no mistaking him. His face was a little chubbier, had filled in, and there were bags under his eyes. His hair was neatly trimmed and black, unlike the wild dyed styles he’d sported when he was younger. The cut of his suit, the way he carried himself, it spoke of money, of a life still lived comfortably. It had been more than ten years, but there was no denying that it was Sakurai Sho standing before him. But how?

The man’s lips parted in surprise, his round brown eyes widening in recognition. “Matsujun?”

“Papa,” the little girl mumbled in complaint, somewhere out of Jun’s line of sight since the top of her head barely reached the reception counter.

“Sorry,” Sho said. “I’m sorry.” Jun, still a bit shell-shocked, heard a quiet little meow as Sho set down the pink cat carrier on the floor and hoisted the little girl up, holding her against his hip, even though it was going to wrinkle his suit. “Where are my manners?”

The little girl smiled at Jun. She had Sho’s cheerful smile. There was no denying he was her father. “Hello, we’ve brought Elsa for her app…appment.” The girl, stubborn and undeterred, kept trying. “Elsa for her poy-ment!”

“Ishihara-san?” Jun asked, unable to say much more.

“That’s…” Sho said. “That’s my…”

“That’s my Mama,” the little girl answered easily, not seeming to notice her father’s discomfort. She was maybe five, six years old. Jun wasn’t really that good at determining ages with little ones. “But she’s not feeling well today, so Papa came.”

Sho offered a rather apologetic smile. “Elsa is Saya-chan’s cat. It’s her check-up today.”

Jun nodded, trying not to freak out. “Of course, 12:45 for Elsa.” He looked up, finding it easier to look at the cat’s owner than at her still boyishly handsome father. “Let me guess, you like Frozen?”

“I like Frozen so much! I like Frozen so much! I have an Olaf at home and he can talk!”

“That’s awesome.”

“Until his batteries die. Then God help you,” Sho muttered under his breath, and Jun tried not to laugh.

“Well, please have a seat, and Aiba-sensei will be with you soon.”

Sho had a difficult time turning away, letting his daughter nearly slide down his body until her feet were on the floor. The little girl had her hand on the carrier’s handle, started dragging it across the waiting room floor until Sho had to remind her to be a bit gentler or Elsa was going to get upset. Jun crossed _Ishihara - Elsa/Cat_ off of the appointment sheet.

He met Sho’s eyes quickly, saw the undeniable curiosity in his face that probably matched his own before getting up from the desk to find Aiba, who was back in the lab at his workstation. “Your 12:45 is here,” he announced, just as Aiba was putting the cap back on his pen.

He looked up at Jun, suddenly confused. “Is something wrong? It’s Elsa, right? There’s nothing wrong with her, is there?”

“No,” Jun muttered. “No, just…nothing. They’re in the waiting room, the uh…the daughter and…” He leaned against the doorframe for a bit of courage. “The father came with, apparently the mother wasn’t feeling well today.”

“Well okay,” Aiba said, getting to his feet. “Chiyo-san, if you could go get the room prepped for me, that would be great. I’ll get her shots ready.”

The vet tech got up from her table, acknowledging Jun with a nod as she went out to greet Sho and his daughter. Sho and his daughter. Jun was still having a problem wrapping his head around such a concept. He was thirty-three by now, it wasn’t that weird, really, but it was Sho. Sho who’d been living a life apart for so many years. Sho and his daughter.

“You okay?” Aiba asked, squeezing his shoulder. Jun hadn’t even noticed him walking over. “Jun-kun?”

“Yeah, I just…” He tried to shrug, aiming for indifference but failing completely. “I know him, the father.”

“Oh wow, really?”

“He was in Johnny’s with me and Nino.”

“No way! You want to come in for the exam and catch up?” Aiba offered. He’d always been so fascinated by the idol world, even though he’d quickly passed up his own opportunity.

“I’ll stay up at the desk. In case someone calls.”

“Right, right,” Aiba said, his enthusiasm always making his mouth work faster than his brain. “Well, after maybe!”

“Maybe.”

By the time Jun got back to the waiting room, Sho, Saya-chan, and the pink carrier had vanished into Exam Room 2. The Ishihara folder had disappeared from the desk too, taken by Chiyo-san into the room with her where she’d weigh the cat. He couldn’t help but pull up the scheduling program and client files on the computer, clicking on the record for Ishihara Satomi. There was a mention of “Daughter, Sayaka” as well as a home address in Kunitachi. In the “Miscellaneous Notes” section of the file, Jun saw something of an explanation - a note from the previous year’s exam about billing, simply noting “formerly Sakurai Satomi - now Ishihara.”

He closed the program, ashamed of himself for prying, clicking over to the next batch of appointment reminder calls he had to make. He heard the door to Exam Room 2 open a few minutes later, Aiba greeting them with a “Good afternoon, how ya doing today, Elsa?” before closing it after him again and shutting out whatever response he received.

—

Aiba approached the desk with Elsa’s file folder, Sho and his daughter at his heels. “Well, it’s a clean bill of health for Elsa today,” Aiba announced to the waiting room. “That’s probably because she’s so well cared for.”

Jun saw Saya-chan holding the carrier with all her might, grinning from ear to ear in pride. “Now Jun-kun will take care of your bill today. Thanks for stopping by!”

“Thank you, Aiba-sensei,” Sho said politely, pulling a brown leather billfold from his suit pocket. He turned to look behind him. “Stay right there, and let Papa pay Elsa’s bill, okay?”

“Okay!” Saya agreed, perching in one of the chairs and resting Elsa’s carrier at her feet. Jun hadn’t even seen the cat.

Aiba leaned against the counter, smiling. “Two Johnny’s in my office, amazing!”

“That was a long time ago,” Sho said hastily, unable to meet Jun’s eyes.

“Yeah, it’s not like we’re going to put on a performance in here.”

Jun saw Sho’s face go white, and he knew he ought to have said something else. Aiba, oblivious, just handed the file over to Jun. “Standard exam, standard vaccinations. She’s fine for another year, okay?”

“Okay,” Jun said, getting up to pull the invoice he’d already sent to the printer.

“Thanks for coming in, have a good one!” Aiba said, heading back for the lab and leaving them together.

Jun went through the usual motions, showing the bill to Sho and noting each charge and what it cost. It was easy, slipping back into work mode, so long as he didn’t have to look Sho in the face.

“Aiba-sensei said you’re still friends with Nino.”

He nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, we are.”

“What’s he up to? I always thought he’d end up on some music show with his guitar.”

Jun took a deep breath. He couldn’t exactly tell Sho, who may as well have been a complete stranger now, what Nino actually did for a living. It was obvious Aiba hadn’t told him, thankfully. “He’s got some online store, he’s doing good. I’ll let him know you said hi.”

“That would be great,” Sho said, sliding a credit card across the counter instead of noticing that Jun had his hand out for it. 

Jun ran Sho’s card and printed out his receipt. “Just sign here please.”

“You went to veterinary school?” Sho asked, pen poised over his receipt. He was demanding Jun’s attention now, leaning an elbow on the counter and looking up at him. All the memories they’d shared were flooding back, and Jun just wanted him to go. To take his daughter, the cat, and go.

“No. This is just…something for now.”

“Oh,” Sho replied, apologetic. He’d always been such a talkative person, back then. Jun wondered if that was still the case and if it was Jun that was the problem.

“You’ll get a reminder email in ten months about setting up a new appointment for the cat.”

“That’ll go to her mother?”

“Uh, yeah, whichever you prefer.”

“Send it to her mother.”

Jun made a note in the file on the computer to contact Ishihara Satomi next year as usual. “Congratulations. On the…on having a little girl.” He slid the lollipop across the counter. “She’s very cute.”

“She is,” Sho agreed, turning. “Saya-chan, this is for you.”

The little girl let out a cheer, scurrying over to snatch the lollipop from Sho’s hand with a mumbled thank you, dancing back to the cat with it in her hand. 

“How old is she?”

“Almost five,” Sho said, and Jun’s heart was pounding when he saw the overwhelming, protective love that was plain on Sho’s face as he watched his little girl dance around the cat carrier. He had the same face, the same smile, but he wasn’t the same person. The Sho that Jun had known, that Jun had practically worshipped back then, he hadn’t been this way. He hadn’t been this…soft, this sweet.

Jun had never been the type of person to want to turn back the clock, to wish he could go back and do things differently. It was a waste of time, and he’d never look forward if all he did was look back. But seeing Sho again, whose life he’d wondered about from time to time for more than ten years, he did wish that it hadn’t been so abrupt.

There were half a dozen sentences composing themselves in his mind, half of which involved using Nino as a bridge, trying to get the three of them to meet up for a coffee or a drink sometime. They never made it past his lips.

“Matsujun,” Sho said once he had Saya-chan’s hand in his own once more. “It was really good to see you. I hope you’re doing well.”

There was an earnestness, a sincerity in Sho’s expression. Most of the time he’d been sarcastic, acting as though Jun’s behavior annoyed him more than anything. He’d grown up. Then again, the last time he’d seen Sakurai Sho, he’d been eighteen and angry at the world in the way most teenagers were.

“It was good to see you too. Take care.”


	2. Chapter 2

Ohno listened to all of it, the mess from the very beginning. Where most people would probably ask “Well, why don’t you get his number?” or “Why don’t you try and have a drink with him?” Ohno wasn’t that kind of person. Instead he just let out a little hum of understanding as Jun kept talking, his head in Jun’s lap as he looked up at the ceiling.

Jun had shown up at SK in a strange mood, and Ohno had sensed something was amiss when he’d confessed to Nino about running into Sho at the office. They hadn’t even planned on anything that night, but Ohno seemed to have an innate understanding of when Jun needed to let it all out. The result had been Ohno showing up with a six-pack of beer in one hand and a new pair of velcro cuff restraints in the other, depending on what Jun was in the mood for first. 

Ohno, with no shame whatsoever, had suggested that Jun slap his face. He’d been asking for this for months on end, but Jun hadn’t quite felt up to it yet, despite knowing how much Ohno would probably enjoy it. Ohno liked getting spanked, so this was just another thing he’d wanted to try. He also knew that Jun didn’t half ass anything when it came to more aggressive play, so the focus was entirely on Ohno, allowing Jun to temporarily forget about Sho.

The loud rip of the velcro as Jun took them out of the packaging and opened them had been enough to get Ohno hard, a tiny smile on his face as Jun moved his hands behind his back, securing his wrists with the cuffs. As soon as he was comfortable, naked and on his knees in the middle of Jun’s living room, Jun had gotten to work. Teasing what was to come by tracing his fingers along Ohno’s face, tilting up his chin and telling him he was going to make him beg for it. Ohno, who always showed more enthusiasm when he was being teased and taunted, licked his lips and said with a defiant snarl “Do it. Why don’t you just do it already?”

Jun had stretched it out, towering over the kneeling Ohno, fully dressed as he walked around him, jostling his shoulder to throw off his balance a little, letting his thumbnail scratch down the back of Ohno’s neck. The proof that he was succeeding was all too visible, Ohno’s impatient cock already glistening in want. When Jun had been standing before him again, their eyes met. It’s okay, Ohno’s eyes were telling him. This is what I like.

Jun’s first strike had been rather gentle, truth be told, a condescending little pat against Ohno’s face. “You like that?” he’d said, repeating the gesture a few times, seeing Ohno nod for him to keep going. “You like that?”

With Ohno’s nodding permission, he started to ratchet up his efforts. Soon enough he was making Ohno tilt his face, making him moan each time his fingers cracked against his cheek. “You’re going to come all over yourself,” Jun had scoffed. “You’re going to be such a fucking mess.”

“Mmm,” Ohno had replied, his small, lean body trembling from pleasure, from wish fulfillment, his hands behind his back and putting all his strength into keeping himself upright.

He’d grasped Ohno’s chin roughly, looking into his eyes. “This one’s going to hurt.”

It hadn’t taken more than another five carefully placed slaps, Jun’s fingers stinging, before Ohno gave in. Once Jun had undone the cuffs, leaving them on the floor, he’d taken Ohno into the bathroom, had cleaned him up, had sat him down on the toilet, kneeling on the tile with a bottle of lotion, gently massaging his wrists. Ohno, in a happy daze, had kissed Jun on the top of his head. “Good cuffs, I’ll tell Kazunari they’re five stars.”

From there they’d moved back to Jun’s couch, Ohno starting on the beer while Jun started blabbing at him about the history of him and Sho, such that it was. 

Sakurai Sho had been in Johnny’s for a year already when Jun had joined. There’d been dozens of kids back then, a rotating group of boys with big smiles who appeared on TV, who danced in ill-fitting costumes behind their seniors during their concerts. The Jun of those days, too eager and too honest, had done everything in his power to dance beside Sakurai Sho. He’d been so cool, at least in Jun’s eyes. He went to some elite school, but had joined Johnny’s against his parents’ wishes. That “rebellious” feeling was further enhanced by the ear piercing he had, his grouchy attitude when the choreographer had his back turned, the American rap CDs with filthy lyrics he burned copies of for the other juniors and distributed after rehearsals.

Nino hadn’t thought much of him, since he often skipped TV recordings or rehearsals if there was something going on at school. When Sho messed up choreography, Jun excused it as Sho being busy, someone with a lot of commitments. When Sho messed up choreography, Nino complained to Jun that Sho didn’t really deserve to dance in the front if he was going to keep fucking up. Then again, Nino hadn’t had a crush on him the way Jun did.

As their teenage years stretched on, with bodies growing and sleep deprivation and acne breakouts, he found himself in Sho’s orbit more regularly. One summer, while Sho was bitching about extra lessons and college prep exams, they’d gone to see a movie at least once a week, if not more. Sho had been a little stuck up, even if Jun had been willfully blind to it. He rolled his eyes at the blockbuster movies Jun liked, slurping his soda and making comments. Jun hadn’t minded because it meant Sho had leaned close to whisper in his ear, even if all he did was complain.

When Jun had the reverse problem, struggling with school but excelling at junior rehearsals, Sho had tutored him, lecturing him ad nauseam about how important it was to stay in high school. “What if I debut? What if we debut?” Jun had asked him, looking for any excuse to avoid his math homework.

“I’m not going to debut,” Sho had shot back at him. 

“Don’t you want to? I’d be so happy to be in a group with Sho-kun.”

There’d been a crack in the facade then. His worship seemed to ignite such a thrill in Sho sometimes. “Matsujun, I’m just being practical,” Sho said, his ears reddening. 

Jun wasn’t quite sure when Sho started to like him back. He’d treated Jun exactly the same, complaining when Jun called him up late at night to talk (though Jun mostly made those calls just to listen to Sho’s voice). But then Sho graduated from high school. While most of the junior boys at rehearsal bragged about kissing girls, feeling up a breast, lying about getting handjobs, Jun never joined in. And then Sho graduated, calling Jun of his own initiative that same night and telling him (never asking him, Sho didn’t ask) to meet him at a park halfway between their home neighborhoods.

Sho was nonchalant, sitting on a bench when Jun arrived. “Matsujun, you probably want this, don’t you?” Sho had said, tugging Jun’s hand, placing the second button from his school uniform jacket in his palm.

“Are you making fun of me?”

And then Sho had kissed him.

That night, it had felt like being in a movie, or like one of the silly skits they did for the junior TV programs. But it had been real, so real, Sho’s mouth pressed roughly against his own. When he woke up the next morning, he’d still had a fading indent from Sho’s button on his palm, since he’d held it so tightly in the park the night before.

Within two weeks, Sho quit Johnny’s, since he was enrolling at Keio University. The dream Jun had nurtured for most of his teenage years, of getting to sing and dance in a group with Sho, was dead, and Sho wasn’t remotely apologetic. By then Jun was one of the more popular juniors, Nino too, and rumors were swirling. Maybe they’d debut together. As Sho started university and Jun got more work, drama episode appearances and more prominent spots on TV, things shifted. 

“It’s impossible, you know,” Sho said to him one night before he stopped answering Jun’s calls entirely. It had ended before it had even gotten started. Though Jun had stuck to him like glue for such a long time, it was Sho who had made the first move. And then it was Sho who had flaked out.

“Do you still have it?” Ohno interrupted, looking up at him.

“Do I still have what?” Jun asked.

“His button.”

Jun grinned, poking Ohno’s cheek. “Get up.”

He kept most of his Johnny’s memorabilia at his parents’ house, save for the few fan letters the company forwarded on to him, his most diehard followers who still didn’t seem ready to accept that he’d quit almost ten years ago, having never debuted in a group. The letters were in a shoebox in his bedroom closet, and Ohno sat down on the bed while Jun unearthed it from under a pile of t-shirts he didn’t wear. He could hear it thump against the side of the box as he opened it.

“Of course I still have it.” He held it up, the copper button that had meant everything for one perfect day.

“With the way he treated you, why did you keep it?” Ohno wondered, gazing up at Jun with his tired, beer-happy eyes.

Jun ran his finger over the button, smiling gently. “I loved him. I couldn’t throw it out.”

Ohno chuckled. “You’re so cute.”

He laughed in return. “I am not.”

He dumped it back in the box, shoved it back in the closet. He’d moved on, and it was obvious Sho had too. He had the good memories and the bad. That was life. When he turned around, Ohno was stripping out of his clothes again. “I want to be fucked by the cute Matsujun.”

“I slapped the shit out of you a few hours ago.”

Ohno scooted back on the bed, trying to shimmy out of his jeans at the same time. “I have different needs.”

“Apparently,” Jun said, trying to sound indifferent even though it was no hardship for Jun to comply with what Ohno was asking for.

Ohno offered Jun a lazy smile, lifting up his arms and putting his hands behind his head. “Let’s use the five-star cuffs again!”

—

Kiko was a ball of nervous energy, sitting across from him and chatting a mile a minute about everything she’d done since they’d last met up for lunch. It was a little overwhelming, it always was now that he was so far removed from the world she still inhabited. She was wearing a t-shirt of some indie band Jun didn’t know and a long, flowing skirt, her big pink sunglasses perched on top of her jet black hair. The obnoxiously red lipstick she favored kissed the rim of her water glass as she took a sip in order to keep talking.

He let her go on for another ten minutes straight without interruption, letting her bitch about the way Makeup Artist K-san always fucked up her eyeliner, about how Photographer S-san always stared at her chest. “He knows it’s a push-up bra, but men will be men!” she whined before primly smiling at him. “Present company excluded.”

Jun snorted, twirling more pasta around his fork. Though she had friends and admirers around the world, it was still Jun that Mizuhara Kiko came to in order to let all her real feelings out. Even though he’d been her manager, they’d become friends since they had somewhat similar careers. Jun had been in the entertainment world before changing careers, taking a job on the management side at Sweet Apple. Modeling was Kiko’s main line of work, but as her career in Japan evolved, she started taking on acting jobs. 

After a few years in the lower staff ranks at Sweet Apple, Jun had been promoted to manage the rising star’s acting and other promotional activities shortly after her nineteenth birthday. He’d followed her all over the world, was captured in the background of hundreds of photographs, the nobody in the back with the sunglasses carrying Mizuhara Kiko’s purse. Or he was the nobody with an arm around her, getting her in a car before some creep could try and sneak an upskirt photo of her.

She was twenty-four now, still friendly and talkative, refusing to call Jun anything but “Nii-san,” or worse “My beloved Onii-san.” It was because Jun had grown too close to Kiko, too protective of Kiko, that he’d lost everything. It had only been a year ago when Jun had come to pick her up in the morning only to find her sitting half-naked on the floor of her loft, sobbing.

She’d been dating a guy on and off, and Jun had done his best to help her keep it quiet, even if he’d hated the guy, some Cantopop singer who had other girlfriends. Kiko didn’t mind, always dismissing Jun’s concerns with a “that’s the nature of this business” remark. It hadn’t been serious between them. At first Jun had thought the asshole had hit her or even worse, but instead Kiko had clung to him, face streaked with tears. “He’s on drugs. It’s drugs, Nii-san.”

Kiko had had nothing to do with it, though Jun figured she’d at least had a feeling he was on something. But this time he’d tried to get her to do it with him, to sell his shit for him because he had some Chinese loan sharks after him. The singer was arrested soon after, was deported from Japan, and the shitstorm hit. Kiko had been cleared of any wrongdoing, since she’d been the one to go to the police with Jun by her side, holding her hand as she told them all she knew and all she suspected. But that had been the last straw for Sweet Apple.

Kiko’s work evaporated, advertisers dropped her because the mere whisper of drugs was enough to stain her reputation. And Jun, who had been Kiko’s friend and not her manager, who had apparently “sanctioned” her ill-advised relationship…Jun was persona non grata. He was fired the day after Sweet Apple released Kiko from her contract. And though Kiko bounced back, finding a new agency who championed her innocence and her willingness to get herself out of a dangerous situation, Jun hadn’t been so lucky. He was likely on some blacklist, and he’d probably never get a job in the industry again.

“You saved my life,” Kiko was always telling him, trying to find jobs for him, but most of them were overseas and all he knew was Japanese and a handful of words in English, French, and Italian after having spent time at fashion weeks with her around the world. He hadn’t told her the full truth of his current life, telling her only that he worked in an office job. For years Jun had been on TV, and after that, he’d been in rooms with A-listers and superstars. Now he spent most of his day in rooms with dogs and cats. The only thing keeping him afloat in his nice, far-above-his-current-means apartment was all the money he’d stashed away over the years. But in time, he’d probably have to downgrade. Some reliable Nii-san he’d turned out to be, although he’d do it all again without hesitating.

“We’re getting dessert,” she said when the waiter cleared their plates. Kiko had rented out the entire bistro for their lunch that day, though Jun had insisted on at least paying for the meal. “I want cheesecake.”

“Very fattening,” Jun chided her with a smile. Sweet Apple had been merciless sometimes, telling Jun to start counting her calories a few years back. He’d ignored them.

When the waiter returned, she ordered two slices in cheery defiance. Her new agency actually seemed to believe that Kiko was an adult who could make her own logical choices, the opposite of the heavy-handed suits at Sweet Apple.

As Jun sipped from his tiny espresso cup a short time later, deliberately lifting his pinky in the way that always made her tease him, his phone vibrated on the table. “You can answer,” she said, mouth full and unashamed. “I don’t mind.”

“It’s fine.”

“Answer it!” she insisted, crumbs flying.

He rolled his eyes. Sometimes it was easy to forget the woman sitting across from him walked the runway and smiled for magazine covers. Sometimes it was easy to forget that she wasn’t actually his kid sister. He unlocked his phone, seeing that Nino had sent him a message. He lifted his phone from the table. His “kid sister” didn’t need to see the types of messages Nino wrote, messages that sometimes said things like “COCK RING PARTY 2NITE” with a trail of smily faces.

Expecting to be solicited for sex, Jun found a rather sobering message instead. Sakurai Sho had gotten in touch with Aiba, who had put him in touch with Nino because that was the sort of thing Aiba liked to do. And now Nino and Sho were meeting for dinner tomorrow, Sunday night, and would Jun come along too? Nino and Sho had never been very close back then, so Jun was surprised Nino had accepted the invite at all, since he enjoyed avoiding such things entirely.

But then Jun remembered that he’d spilled his heart to Ohno. Ohno who wouldn’t say anything unless he was under severe duress, otherwise known as a Ninomiya nagging session. Jun suspected that Ohno had topped it all off by telling Nino about the fucking button too. He really had the worst friends.

“What’s wrong?” Kiko asked, holding out her fork to him. He opened his mouth just wide enough for her to feed him a bite of her cheesecake. It was really damn good.

“Might have dinner with an old friend.”

“An old friend, huh?” Her wiggling eyebrows annoyed him. She’d been relentless in trying to find some hot male model for him to hook up with back in the day, but she had terrible taste. And her ability to detect gay or bi-curious men at all was practically non-existent.

“Shut up,” he grumbled, and she laughed at him. 

She started doing a little dance in her seat, moving her fork with the soundless beat. “Booty call! Booty call!”

“You’re so annoying,” he informed her, something he’d been telling her for five years now.

“You’re so glum,” she shot back, adding a bit of a shoulder twist to her stupid dance. “Go see him. Catch up!”

“Because I should take love advice from someone who dates rappers.”

“Dated, past tense. And that was only one of his skills,” she explained. “Those Korean agencies train them to do all sorts of crazy shit. I can hear the Johnny’s boy jealousy in your tone, you know.”

He sent Nino a “yes” reply anyway, calling for the check. Though things had been awkward at the vet office, on account of the sheer surprise of seeing each other, it might actually be good to see Sho again. To have a more natural conversation, without talking about cat vaccinations. He’d long since gotten over his anger toward Sho. They’d been young, back then. If he at least knew Sho was doing well, that he was happy, that ought to be enough.

“I want a full report,” she said when they were leaving the restaurant, when her agency car picked her up from the fan-free alley behind the place. She hugged him tight, and he hugged her back. He missed her so much. He missed all of it. Even the agency meddling. He’d been good at his job. He’d been so great at his job. She put on her sunglasses, stroking his cheek. “Nii-san, smile.”

Jun was determined to try.

—

Nino had his hands tucked into the sleeves of his hooded sweatshirt, was prodding Jun along with his elbow. “My god, it hasn’t changed at all.”

“It’s amazing how many meals we ate from this place,” Jun agreed. “I’m going to have to run this off.”

“Meanwhile I will not,” Nino said, letting Jun slide the door open to let them inside. “I only run if it’s for my life.”

Nino’s long-standing opinions toward exercise were well known to Jun, though he never heard one complaint about his own gym attendance when Nino checked him out or simply squeezed his biceps.

The restaurant, Prince Ramen, had few tables and as teenagers they usually just sat in a row up at the counter. A popular haunt for the juniors, only a few blocks from the company headquarters, Jun had spent many evenings slurping down Prince’s salt ramen after a long day of dance rehearsals. Today they were going to sit at a table, where they found Sakurai Sho already waiting for them. Jun remembered Sho having a thing about punctuality. Unlike the other day at the animal hospital, he was dressed far more casually in jeans and a collarbone-revealing v-neck t-shirt that made Jun pause briefly before taking a seat at Nino’s side. Careful, Jun told himself.

“Nino, you didn’t age a day,” Sho said, chuckling in astonishment.

“And I owe it all to my diet of junk food and cigarettes,” Nino remarked, smiling and waving for a waitress.

Sho laughed at that, the same noisy outburst that always made you wonder if he was sincerely that amused or just humoring you. When he greeted Jun this time, he was less awkward about it. Perhaps the initial shock that Jun was still a person who existed had worn off, and Sho had come to terms with it. Well, he must have since here Jun was having dinner with him and Nino. It was too bad Aiba wasn’t able to make it, since he’d get the most out of their Johnny’s reminiscing.

“How’s Elsa?” Jun asked once the waitress took their orders.

“Elsa?” Nino asked. “You marry a foreigner, Sakurai?”

Jun kicked him lightly under the table. Nino knew very well who Elsa was, since Jun had told him about Sho and his daughter’s visit. Sho didn’t seem to mind the question, at least. “Elsa is my daughter’s cat. And when I did get married, it was to a Japanese woman, sorry to disappoint.”

“No disappointment here,” Nino said. “The institution of marriage is not for the likes of me.”

Sho grimaced. “Me neither.” Before an awkward silence could descend on the table, Sho went ahead and explained things. “I got divorced about a year and a half ago.”

“But you’re a dad, huh?” Nino pressed.

“I am,” Sho said, looking rather proud of himself. He already had his phone out on the table, had probably been waiting for an excuse to show her off. Nino and Jun patiently smiled and offered murmured compliments as Sho went through his phone. He had an entire “Sayaka 2015” folder on his iPhone, neatly organized, and he showed them at least a hundred pictures (Sayaka at piano lessons, Sayaka’s artwork from preschool, Sayaka at the park, Sayaka with Sho in a swimming pool somewhere) before the waitress came back with their order.

Nino took a slurp of his broth before staring Sho down and asking the tough questions, the ones that weren’t really his to ask after not having seen Sho in more than a decade. “You get to see her a lot? Since you and her mom split up?”

Sho nodded, and Jun was surprised by how unoffended he seemed by the personal questions. Maybe he really had mellowed out over time. Sho used to have a hissy fit over the littlest things, like an untidy dressing room or a last minute setlist change during a concert. “I have her every other weekend right now. But once she starts kindergarten, I’m going to work it out so I can pick her up and take her to school every morning. Satomi…my ex, I mean, she’s totally fine with it.”

“That sounds really nice,” Jun said before he could stop himself.

Sho separated his chopsticks, shrugging. “My parents are still together, and I can’t remember my dad ever taking me to school himself.”

“Didn’t the nanny do that?” Nino teased. 

Unlike Nino and Jun, Sho had grown up in a very privileged home. His father was a Todai graduate who ran his own company while his mother, a lawyer, came from a wealthy background. Sho had never overtly bragged about his elevated status, but while most of the juniors took the train to and from rehearsals, Sho’s parents often had him picked up by the family “driver.” When they’d been friends, Jun had been lucky enough to get a ride home in that fancy car himself several times.

Sho chuckled. “My mom took us to school. Until I was too cool for that and then she started showing up in the afternoon, waving by the fence just to embarrass me.”

Jun remembered Sho’s mother well. Always well-dressed, always welcoming when Jun came by to collect Sho for one of their movie outings. “How are your parents? Well I hope?”

Sho seemed appreciative of the question, slurping down some noodles and pronouncing them “so good” before saying “Yeah, they’re great. It’s their 35th anniversary this year, so we had a big family trip and went to London in the spring.”

Nino said nothing, slurping down more noodles. Jun kept the conversation going. “I’m glad to hear it. Please send them my best wishes.”

“I will,” Sho said. “And your parents?”

“Very well, thanks. My dad recently retired, and my mom’s a bit sick of him being home all day doing nothing. I suspect she’s going to find him a hobby if he doesn’t find one first.”

“I always loved your mom,” Sho admitted, sounding a little shy as he said it. “She’s a sweet woman.”

“Putting up with her famous son, you bet,” he chuckled. His mother had been the most shocked when Jun had quit Johnny’s in his early twenties, assuming he’d been fine with the idea of dancing behind everyone for the rest of his life.

They moved on from parent talk, since Nino couldn’t really contribute anything, and chatted about their work lives. Jun was surprised by how smoothly the conversation flowed, though the nostalgic food, their favorite high school treat, was certainly helping. Nino, always honest and open about who he was, came right out and told Sho about SK Enterprises. Jun gave Sho a lot of credit for listening to the whole thing without ramen broth dribbling out of his mouth in shock.

“We do have a current promotion going, 20% off all first time orders,” Nino said, offering Sho a wink.

“Sounds like a good deal,” Sho said, blushing in a way that made Jun’s heart clench a bit. 

He’d moved on, he was so completely certain of it, but it was hard not to remember the good times, the hours upon hours he’d spent in Sho’s company, sitting at his side or curled up in bed with the cordless phone, listening to him ramble on about this or that Notorious B.I.G. or Tupac song that Jun didn’t really care for. And there was the Sho before him, in the t-shirt that perfectly showcased the shape of him, the curve of his shoulders, the length of his neck. The unchanging smile and slightly unruly eyebrows. He wondered what it might be like, fifteen years later, to learn if Sho had gotten better at kissing.

He sat there, alternately wrapped up in the fondness of first love and an adult attraction, listening to Sho speak but not committing every word to memory the way he had when he was sixteen and Sakurai Sho was the only one he wanted. 

Sho had finished university and started working for his father’s company, which sold medical equipment. Despite the family name, Sho had had to work his way up, and he was now some sort of Section Chief for the overseas distribution arm of the company. Sho’s younger sister, who Jun mostly remembered as a friendly girl with glasses and braces, headed up the company’s PR department. Sho suspected that if any of the Sakurai children was going to run the company someday, it would be her. Sho’s younger brother, still in university, was studying law and hadn’t yet decided if he was going to go the corporate route and work for his father too.

Jun had never had a full grasp of what the elder Sakurai-san did for a living, just remembering that he’d been a “company president,” which meant nice cars, nice suits, nice watches. Sho explained without prompting that his marriage to Satomi, who’d been “barely out of college” at the time, had been an omiai arranged by their families. Satomi’s father ran a hospital in Sagamihara and was one of Sakurai Medical Supply’s biggest clients.

“The divorce didn’t mess up the client relationship,” Sho said with a laugh. “My dad and her dad golf all the time, you’d never know anything had changed.”

Nino pounced again. “So it was amicable then? Your split.”

Sho nodded. “Yeah. I mean, it wasn’t easy, if that’s what you’re asking, but there were no issues over custody. With my job, I’m abroad sometimes, so having her during the week wasn’t something I fought for. Although I’m trying to cut down on that now that Saya-chan’s going to start kindergarten soon. Satomi wants me to be as much a part of her life as I can, and I’m thankful for that.”

“She sounds like a peach,” Nino said. “Why’d you divorce her at all, Sho-chan?”

Sho’s polite acceptance of Nino’s interrogation was starting to weaken, his chin quivering a little at the rude question. “Nino,” Jun chided him, “that’s none of your business.”

“It’s…complicated,” Sho admitted. “Alright?”

Nino held up his hands. “Okay, okay, just making conversation. I don’t hang out with a lot of married people. Just wonder what makes them tick is all.”

Jun figured that the best way to ease Sho’s embarrassment was to introduce some of his own. Nino knew all of it already, but sat there patiently while Jun explained the circumstances that had led him to the reception desk of Shimura Animal Hospital, from a life of flashing cameras and Milan Fashion Week to going through a full sticky lint roller every week to try and get rid of all the fur that stuck to him like a tick intent on sucking him dry. He knew it sounded a little whiny, with the villainous Sweet Apple agency destroying his career, but it was pretty much true. He had little direction, few calls back from his job hunt, and animals honestly didn’t care much for him.

“Can you write press releases?” Sho asked him, no judgment in his eyes.

“I…haven’t before, but I’ve read enough that I could probably do it.”

“You’d need a lot more confidence if you want my sister to hire you,” Sho teased him, lifting his bowl to slurp down some of his broth.

“Your sister? Sho-kun, I’m not asking you for a job,” Jun blurted out, sensing Nino’s warning hand on his thigh. After fifteen years, throwing out a too friendly ‘Sho-kun’ was a bit much, not that Nino hadn’t crossed the line today himself.

“Why not? We’ve always got an opening or two, and syringe pumps and surgical tape may be boring, but they don’t have fur,” Sho said, and Jun was astonished by how sincere he sounded.

Nino got up, patting Jun on the shoulder. “Listen to the man, hear him out. I’ve gotta pee.” And then Nino left them alone, heading for the tiny bathroom tucked into the rear of the restaurant.

Sho sat back in his seat a little, full and happy with his meal. As soon as Nino was out of earshot, his expression softened. “I’m sorry if it sounded like I was pitying you.”

“You didn’t,” Jun said, feeling a little hot and uncomfortable, but they’d been sitting in the warm restaurant for almost an hour now, tying up the table with their chatter.

“When I called Aiba-sensei the other day, it was for a selfish reason,” Sho admitted. “I wanted to talk to you.”

“Then why Nino…?”

“Well, I wanted to greet him too,” Sho said, laughing quietly. “But just…after seeing you, I felt terrible that after all this time I just swiped my credit card and left. I’m sorry.” 

Apologies had been rare, almost non-existent from the teenage Sakurai Sho. His job, marriage, a family…all of these things had seemingly come together in a perfect storm to mature him, to settle him down from the firebrand teenager who swore under his breath when a difficult bit of choreography slipped from his memory. He couldn’t help looking up, meeting Sho’s gaze and holding it for the first time of their entire meal.

“I don’t want a job handed to me. Out of pity or out of childhood friendship or for any reason at all.”

“I know,” Sho said. “That much about you certainly hasn’t changed.”

Jun sighed. “You know what I mean.”

“I do know what you mean,” Sho continued. “I remember a kid who worked harder than anyone else, stayed for extra rehearsals, helped the idiots who were falling behind.” Namely me, Sho didn’t have to say aloud. “Matsujun, when I talked to Aiba-sensei, he told me how unhappy you are…”

“I’m going to kill him,” Jun decided, white hot rage coursing through him.

“Listen to me,” Sho pleaded. “He didn’t make you sound pathetic or anything, just someone in between jobs and hoping for something better. It’s boring, I know it’s boring what we do, but we offer competitive salaries, good benefits…”

“Sho-kun…”

“…and we make everyone go through a standard interview process. Even family. I didn’t even clear my third round of interviews. They only called me back because the person they offered the job to declined it.”

Jun stared at him. His own father’s company?

Sho smiled. “I was already on the second round of interviews with my dad’s leading competitor. I’ve never been the ideal eldest son, you know.” He held out a business card, and Jun accepted it. “Look, there’s a jobs page on our corporate website. If nothing sounds interesting to you, then don’t force it. I’m sorry that I don’t have any entertainment connections. That died a long time ago, as soon as I started learning about the component parts that make up a dialysis machine.”

Jun couldn’t help smiling in return. “I do appreciate it. Aiba-kun looks for things for me all the time, but I don’t have the heart to tell him I’m not applying to work as a dog walker.”

Sho couldn’t look at him now, having done what he’d come to do. He was eyeing Nino’s not quite empty bowl, if only to avoid looking at Jun again. “Matsujun…what I did to you…back then…”

“If you’re going to finish my food, you may as well just do it,” came Nino’s voice, interrupting before Jun could even beg Sho not to say anything, to resurrect the past needlessly.

Sho laughed, too noisily, pulling Nino’s bowl over. “You never could finish anything.”

“And you never could stop eating,” Nino shot back, plopping back down in his seat. He pointed to his cheeks, winking at Sho. “I see that it’s finally catching up to you.”

Sho was far from fat, though he obviously wasn’t all youthful sharp edges and angles either. “I’ll have you know I’ve lost weight recently,” Sho said in a bit of a huff. “Taking a four year old around DisneySea will do that.”

Now that Nino was back, Jun was thankfully able to avoid whatever strange apology Sho was about to make. He didn’t need one, didn’t expect one. It was amazing enough that Sho had gone out of his way to contact Aiba, to find an opportunity for them to meet again when they probably had little in common these days. He had Sho’s business card in his pocket now, and though he knew absolutely nothing about what Sho’s company did, he had to admit that a steadier salary and a quiet office might be a definite upgrade from being barked at on a daily basis.

Sho didn’t insult him by insisting on paying for them, and they split the check. They waved goodbye, and though Nino lived in the opposite direction, he walked with Jun to the Metro stop. “Let me guess,” Jun said, tapping his Suica card against the reader and passing through the gate. “You need something.”

Nino followed him through, all wicked smile and sparkling eyes. “I sat through a thousand pictures of an adorable toddler today.” It wasn’t even close to a thousand, but Nino avoided scenes of domestic bliss as much as he could, though Jun knew he had an extra soft spot in his heart for his niece and nephew.

“And as a reward for making nice comments about Sho-san’s child, you have turned to me.”

“You know me so well.” Nino took the opportunity to stand right on the step behind him on the escalator, taking advantage of the mostly empty station by poking Jun right in the side where he knew he was most ticklish. Jun jerked, wishing he still had those cuffs he’d used on Ohno the other night. Without something from SK, they just had to play it by ear. Jun didn’t have the courage to tell Nino he far preferred the spontaneity.

One sloppy kitchen blowjob from Jun later, Nino thanked him in the shower, sneaking in with him to return the favor, kneeling on the slick bottom of Jun’s tub and taking Jun’s cock nearly to the back of his throat in one practiced motion. Jun kind of wanted to fuck Nino right then and there, to punish him for asking Sho such rude and intrusive questions, having to just bend over and take it in some awkward position. But Jun, as always, tamped down his darker impulses in favor of Nino’s preferred status quo. He took Nino by the hair, pushed him away. “Go to my room and get on your hands and knees,” he ordered, in just the tone of voice Nino liked best.

He toweled off only enough that his hands were dry, to roll on a condom without it slipping from his fingers. He listened to Nino’s hot little grunts, doling out the “reward” Nino wanted for being a nice fellow and going out to socialize with an old friend when he much preferred staying in with his Xbox. When Nino was leaving later on, pulling his boxers back on while Jun stripped down the bed, he asked a question he’d probably been holding in since they’d left the restaurant.

“You going to apply? At Sho-chan’s company?”

“I don’t know.”

Nino tugged on his t-shirt, looking at him curiously. “Maybe you ought to. Aiba-shi loves you, of course, but he might be even happier if he could give himself the credit for getting you something new via Sho-chan.”

The truth was, Jun had been thinking of Sho most of the evening, when Nino went down on him in the bathroom, when he was close to coming. He and Sakurai Sho had only kissed, in the sloppy, antsy manner of two teenage boys in a park at night, hoping nobody was coming their way. Was Sho gay? Maybe not, if he’d fathered a child. Was Sho straight? Jun remembered that night, though, the way that Sho had held on to him when they’d kissed. Experimental it might have been, but it had been real. Maybe he was bisexual. Or like Sho’s pronouncement about his divorce, he was simply complicated.

“I’ll see what happens,” Jun decided, kissing Nino goodbye and wishing he didn’t feel so weak every time Nino left, every time he let Nino go instead of embarrassing him by asking if he’d stay over. But was it really weakness, wanting someone to stay? Wanting something permanent when everything else in his life right now was temporary?

When his apartment door closed, Jun headed for his laptop, looking up the jobs page for Sakurai Medical Supply.

—

“There’s been a slight change to the position,” Kiritani-san said to him apologetically, within seconds of Jun’s arrival for his second round of interviews at Sakurai Medical Supply three weeks later. Kiritani-san, a thin, perky woman who served as recruitment specialist and had been Jun’s primary contact, had a file folder for him.

“Does that affect my candidacy?” Jun asked nervously, wishing instead that he could be worrying about normal interview things like if his tie was crooked, if there was food stuck in his teeth, if he would fumble over his words when they asked him questions.

“No,” Kiritani said, smiling. “It’s still an administrative position. See, the thing is, there are actually two admin slots open now. The one you initially applied for, with the executive suite, and one that opened late last week, after your first interview. Since you’re such a strong candidate, Matsumoto-san, we were hoping you’d interview with both teams, in case you’re a better fit for one or the other.”

Jun hadn’t wanted to work in sales, and there’d been no open positions in PR where Sho’s sister worked. Instead Jun had seen the listing for an administrative assistant, something he knew he could do and do well. Half his job working for Kiko had involved managing her day to day schedule, and then at the animal hospital he did practically the same thing. Here it would be fairly easy, he figured, scheduling meetings, arranging client visits, booking travel, processing expense reports. Though Jun had only a high school diploma, something he’d somehow managed to get despite Sho pretty much abandoning him, his previous work experience had gotten him in the door.

“What’s the other department?” he asked.

Kiritani-san opened the folder. “It would be with Overseas Distribution. Their admin resigned suddenly last week, a death in the family.”

Jun might have been hearing alarm sirens going off in his head, he was so suddenly nervous. “And…what…what does that department do exactly?”

“They primarily maintain accounts with clients in China, Southeast Asia, India…other places Sakurai sells to. They’re a good group, might be a little less stressful than the executive admin position.”

Not likely, Jun knew, because this new job would put him in a very awkward position. If he was hearing Kiritani-san correctly and he got the job, Sho would be his boss. He’d be booking Sho’s travel, he’d be scheduling Sho’s meetings. He’d be doing any odd job Sho asked of him. After he’d applied for the job in the first place, he’d sent Sho an email, to his work address. Sho had sounded so thrilled for him, his enthusiasm carrying Jun through his first interview without problems.

Then their email correspondence had continued, especially one week where Sho was in Vietnam smoothing things over with a client, sending Jun photos of dull airport scenes after his flight home was delayed a few hours. They’d even made plans to meet up again for a meal sometime soon, this time without Nino. The crush that Jun had carefully nurtured during his teen years had blossomed once again, strengthening with each email Sho sent him, each message like a modern-day version of their late night calls years earlier. Talking about nothing and not seeming to mind. Sho had even sought out Jun’s “fashion expertise” the other day, sending him pictures of two ties with a handful of question marks. Sho’s thank you reply had included a heart emoji, though Jun doubted Sho had noticed he’d done so. Sometimes a heart emoji was just a heart emoji.

If Sho’s admin had quit last week and Sho knew that Jun was still in the running for the other admin job, why hadn’t he said anything? Sho had had no say in the first round of interviews, since Jun’s application and the department had no overlap with his own, Jun knew he’d made it through on his own merits. But this was different. This was something Sho should have told him.

Jun couldn’t work for him. 

Not because Sho had lied to him, or at the very least had withheld vital information. But because Jun simply could not let Sho be his boss. He couldn’t have Sho in a position of power over him, not if he was developing feelings for him. Kiritani-san held out the folder, looking at him expectantly.

“I’ve got the full details about the position here. If you like, we can bring you straight from your interview for the executive position to Overseas Distribution. I had them clear some time. They’ve got a temp in this week, but they’re definitely looking to fill the position soon and…”

“Kiritani-san,” Jun interrupted, hoping he didn’t look as nervous as he felt. “Thank you very much for the opportunity, I truly appreciate it. But I’d like to stay on track with the executive admin position. And only that position, please.”

“Of course,” she said, though Jun would be lying if he didn’t see the confusion in her eyes. “Not a problem at all. I’m terribly sorry for springing this on you so suddenly.”

“It’s fine. Thank you.”

He ended up spending a full hour talking with Takenaka-san, a small man with a deep, confident voice and a ready smile who was the company’s Director of Sales and Marketing. As he had in their previous meeting, he’d brought along a handful of his direct report employees, the Executive Vice President of Sales, the Executive Vice President of Marketing, and a few more VP-level sales leaders. In the position, Jun would mainly be responsible for Takenaka-san, though he might be called upon at any time to assist the Sales and Marketing division with scheduling or with catering in meals for major client meetings. He’d also have to ensure that Takenaka-san had “at least five” days per month where he was able to take a half day to attend an improv acting course.

“That’s not a joke either,” Takenaka had said, pushing his thick-framed glasses up the bridge of his nose. “Sometimes we all have a second calling.”

“Of course,” Jun replied, maintaining a straight face. After all, he’d been the all too patient manager of a young woman who’d just reached adulthood, who expected Jun to find time to book her spa visits and to get frozen yogurt for her at all hours of the day. Penciling in Takenaka-san’s improv classes would be a cake walk.

The interview had been laidback, with Takenaka even bringing Jun out of the meeting room and hauling him into his office, presenting him with a messy stack of receipts. “How much does old man Sakurai owe me?” Takenaka had asked him jovially. “You have three minutes.”

While Takenaka stood there, grinning, Jun had quickly organized all the receipts by date, tabulating numbers in his mind. Despite his nervousness, he kept a cool head and presented Takenaka with a total.

“You know, I haven’t even added them up myself,” Takenaka admitted, shocking Jun a little, but then the man had patted him on the back heartily. “But I’m sure you’re right. You’re quick. I prefer quick. When I’m on the shinkansen to our Osaka office and back once a week, I’m liable to be texting you the whole time to get things done. I can be a real pain in the ass. Can you handle a grouchy old man like me, Matsumoto-san?”

“I wouldn’t peg you as old, sir.”

“Perfectly answered!” chimed in the woman who was the head of marketing and they all had another good laugh.

When Kiritani-san met him after his interview, she asked him again if he had any interest in pursuing the other position. But he already knew. He knew he had the job.

“No, but thank you very much.”

He wondered if Sho would be upset that he didn’t even try for it. He wondered if Sho would be offended. But he didn’t have to wonder for very long. 

By the beginning of the following week, Jun had a job offer and a follow-up email from Sho, congratulating him and asking if they might move up their timetable on having a meal together so Sho could celebrate with him. He had plans that night already with Nino and Aiba, but he took the initiative. He had a new job to look forward to, forward momentum. He wasn’t chaperoning a superstar, but he supposed that Director of Sales and Marketing Takenaka Naoto was pretty close to celebrity status at Sakurai Medical Supply.

_Let me treat you sometime this week_ , Jun texted Sho, _Do you like home cooking? I’m good at it._

It was a big leap forward, maybe too forward, Jun thought, but Sho had spent the last month addressing him as “Matsujun” and pretty much only “Matsujun,” a nickname from the past Sho simply couldn’t shake. Sho had called him Matsujun when he’d pressed the button from his jacket into his hand.

_Sounds great! I’m free after 7:00 tomorrow night! Or the night after_ , Sho replied, _but I have Saya-chan this weekend._

_Tomorrow_ , Jun answered. _Come hungry._


	3. Chapter 3

“When did you learn to cook like this?” Sho was saying, letting Jun pour him some more wine. Wine made sense with Italian, with eggplant parmigiana, pasta, crusty bread, and olive oil. That was what Jun had told himself, even though he supposed it sent a message he wasn’t quite sure he meant yet.

“I took classes with Kiko-chan because she was in some drama where she was working in a restaurant,” he admitted. “I ended up learning more than her, so she makes me cook for her all the time.” 

“You call her Kiko-chan. A big star like her,” Sho said, giggling a little. They were somehow on bottle number two already. “Amazing.”

“I was her manager for five years,” Jun said. 

“Still,” Sho said, taking another big bite. He was a good eater, and though Jun had anticipated giving him leftovers to take home with him, it seemed increasingly unlikely. 

Jun laughed. “We were in Johnny’s, Sho-kun. We were on TV!”

Sho shook his head, dabbing at the corner of his mouth with his napkin. “You know, it seems like another lifetime. Maybe it’s different because you stuck with it longer, but I’ve been shipping out colostomy bags to the rest of Asia for like, a decade already. The glamour of it fades quickly, Matsujun.”

Jun didn’t need to be reminded, having spent the last year either unemployed or underemployed. Shimura Animal Hospital was giving him a going away party soon, and Jun’s only request was for there to be no animals in attendance. Which meant Aiba was going to show up with his golden retriever anyway. And after that Jun’s next chapter would begin. It wasn’t that prestigious, but everyone he’d met at the company was kind and hardworking.

Sho, so full he could barely move, parked himself on Jun’s sofa while he did the dishes. By the time he came back, Sho was on his phone, sending a message. He looked up when Jun came back in.

“Saya-chan had soccer practice tonight, Satomi just sent me a picture.”

“How many lessons does she take?”

Sho held up a hand, shaking his head. “No, no, it’s not what you think. She and I were both raised by families that enrolled us in a little bit of everything. We’re letting Saya choose what she wants. Just piano and soccer so far, like her old man. Satomi’s freaking out about safety, but it’s like, soccer for squirts, you know? All she does is run around, none of them are very good at kicking yet. It’s kind of hilarious, actually. They’re all so cute.”

Jun couldn’t help but be curious about Ishihara Satomi, the woman Sho had technically been meant to spend his life with. He could sense affection for her from Sho’s end, but not passionate feelings. All he knew about the woman, really, was that her parents owned a hospital, which meant that she’d grown up just as filthy rich as Sho had. Entering an all-but-arranged marriage at 22, divorced by 26 or 27…

Sho patted the cushion beside him, as though he was in his own house and not Jun’s. He held out his phone with that dopey “Proud Papa” look that amused Jun so much even though he’d only seen it a handful of times now - his blissful smile, his eyes bright. Jun couldn’t help chuckling at the sight of Sakurai Sayaka in a tiny green soccer jersey and white shorts but with sparkly pink cleats.

“She doesn’t match.”

“Oh, but she does,” Sho said. “According to Saya-chan fashion she does. She’s also allowed to do her own hair when she stays with me. Satomi says it’s fine because it’s the weekend and none of the other mothers at the preschool will give her shit about letting her child leave the house with twenty obnoxious barrettes clipped to her head. They’re rough, those moms.”

“I bet,” Jun replied, handing Sho’s phone back. In one of Sho’s emails a few weeks back he’d explained how insane the school enrollment process was and how many headaches it was giving him as he and Satomi looked for a kindergarten that would make Sayaka set for life, or at least get her into a great university.

Now that they didn’t have the dining table between them, he watched Sho fidget a little with his phone, turning it in his hand, almost like he was waiting to get a text or an email and have an excuse to answer it. Wine could only go so far when people had a shared past like they did and a continued inability to really talk about it.

“Are you excited about your job?” Sho asked, unfortunately just as Jun was asking “Can I get you anything else?”

“You answer first,” Jun said. “I’m your host.”

“No, I’m fine,” Sho said, letting out an awkward little chuckle. “I’ll just sober up before I get on the train.”

“I thought drunk salarymen on the train was a Japanese institution.”

Sho shook his head. “I spend enough and drink enough taking out the people in my department. Tonight I’m enjoying the pleasures of riding the train without feeling like I could lie down and die or puke.”

“As to your question,” Jun said, “yes, I’m excited for my job. Takenaka-san seems like a good guy.”

“He really is,” Sho said eagerly, seeming quite happy to talk about work-related things. Comparatively safe territory. “He’s worked for my dad since before I was even born, back when my grandpa still ran the place.”

They spent the next several minutes talking about Sakurai Medical Supply, about Sho’s trip next week to the Philippines distribution center, about Takenaka Naoto’s propensity for wearing flashy suits and colorful ties but still landing new accounts. Jun had a feeling that his boss was going to keep him on his toes as well as entertained. When he told Sho about having to schedule Takenaka-san’s “improv classes,” Sho nearly doubled over in laughter.

“He tried to get my dad to do it with him,” Sho wheezed, face turning redder than he already was from his wine. “You know my dad, he’s like the most straight-laced, boring guy there is. I love him, but it’s true.”

“I remember,” Jun admitted, smiling. Sho’s dad had always been kind to Jun, at least when he was around and not at work, but he was the type of person who would go to bed at 9:00 PM every night and enjoyed reading books about succeeding in business through careful, considerate planning. “I guess I’m working for your dad now, too.”

“I told him. He does remember you, by the way. He sends his ‘warmest congratulations,’ his words, not mine.”

Jun inclined his head. “It’s an honor to be part of his company.”

Sho rolled his eyes. “You’re a smooth talker, Matsujun. I know what we do isn’t cool, and my dad likes it that way. ‘Doctors will always need gloves and syringes, Sho-kun,’ he tells me all the time.”

“You’re indirectly helping people though,” Jun said, “Supplying hospitals and clinics. The syringes and blood bags and other supplies that save lives every day.”

Sho leaned back against the cushion, tilting his head back and laughing. It exposed his neck, the soft skin Jun wished he was brave enough to touch, to feel for the first time. When Sho had kissed him, so long ago, Jun had just wrapped his arms around Sho’s waist, simply to keep himself from falling over in shock. “Oh Matsujun, I’m going to tell Takenaka-san to transfer you to my sister’s department. You’re already living and breathing the Sakurai Medical Supply company promise.”

He smiled. “It’s all thanks to you.”

Sho waved his hand, embarrassed. “You got that job on your own. I merely directed you to our website.”

“If you hadn’t come in that day, I’d have probably never seen you again.”

Sho turned, looking at him. There was a sudden sadness in his eyes, a swift change from his good-humored teasing only moments earlier. “You’re probably right. If Satomi hadn’t been sick that day, she’d have never called me to take Saya with the cat.”

“Well, then it’s to her I owe my thanks. Or to her rotten immune system.”

Sho smiled again, but Jun thought Sho’s eyes were getting glassy. He’d probably had twice as much as Jun had, and he’d admitted that he rarely drank wine and was a beer guy. “Matsujun.”

“What?” he replied, trying to stay calm and failing. 

Every time he heard ‘Matsujun’ it was like being fifteen or sixteen all over again, sitting at Sho’s side in the theater, hearing him complain. “Matsujun, this is stupid. Really stupid. There was plenty of room on that floating door thing for both Rose and Jack. Stupid!”

“I’ve really, really missed you.”

He crossed his arms, just so he didn’t do anything foolish. This was just supposed to be dinner, right? “Oh yeah?” he asked, trying to keep the upper hand here. Sho was the one who’d left him behind, had left Johnny’s and given up on whatever it was they’d started back then. It was Sho who’d said it was impossible, after all.

“I was horrible to you,” Sho said. “But I was scared. I was really scared.”

Jun could barely get words out. “Why were you scared? What were you afraid of?”

The look Sho gave him then made him dizzy, his tongue darting out to lick his plump lower lip before he spoke again in barely a whisper. “You know what I was afraid of.”

He did know. He knew and it was why he’d forgiven Sho, so long ago.

“I’ll be right back,” he said, getting to his feet and heading for his room. He inhaled, exhaled as he turned on the light and tried to focus. He wasn’t that boy, who’d hung on Sho’s every word, who’d been desperate for Sho’s approval. Hell, he was bigger than Sho now, broader and taller, not that scrawny kid who hadn’t yet grown into his long legs.

He found himself opening his closet door, retrieving the box he’d shown to Ohno weeks ago. He tossed the lid aside, grasping the button in his fist. When he got to his feet, he paused in his tracks. Sho was standing in the doorway, arms at his sides. He’d come to Jun’s straight from work, had left his suit jacket in the genkan, had rolled up the sleeves of his white dress shirt, had long since loosened his tie. 

Jun wasn’t that scrawny kid, and Sho definitely wasn’t that older boy with the Wu-Tang Clan t-shirt and pierced ear.

Jun held out his hand, showing him what he had. Sho approached, his feet dragging along the rug. His fingers were warm when he poked at the button, mostly missing and tickling Jun’s palm with his index finger, sending Jun’s mind somewhere he knew he couldn’t come back from, not this time.

“You kept it,” Sho said, his breath a slightly gross mix of wine, garlic, and tomato sauce. Jun knew his breath wasn’t much better.

“You said I probably wanted it. You were right.”

Sho took his hand away. “You remember it. You remember everything, don’t you?”

“It was kind of a big deal,” he murmured. “You were my first kiss, you know.”

Sho’s eyes got huge. “Oh no, was I? I’m sorry…”

Jun lowered his hand, holding the button tight. God, fifteen years. It had been fifteen years. He looked at Sho, his round face, the bags under his eyes, remembering how he used to look but preferring the present. He wondered if Sho was remembering too, Jun’s crooked teeth, the bad acne that left his adult self with little bumps and scars that he stopped covering up with makeup after leaving Johnny’s behind.

He was so close he could hear Sho breathe. He was so close he could count Sho’s eyelashes if he wanted to. Like he had fifteen years earlier, Sho leaned forward first, but Jun was ready for him this time, if only because Sho had to tilt up a little to try and reach him now. Jun stopped him, pressing his thumb to Sho’s lips. His pupils were dilated, making his brown eyes seem almost black.

“I remember you telling me before that this was impossible.”

“Matsujun…” Sho muttered, his lips parting and nearly dislodging Jun’s thumb from its place.

“If it’s going to be impossible again, tell me now. We can be friends or just co-workers if you’d prefer. But if it’s impossible, I need to know.” 

“Not impossible,” Sho whispered, and Jun could feel him trembling, like a cornered animal preparing to strike. “Not anymore.”

Jun swiped his thumb across Sho’s lip, resting it at the corner of his mouth, feeling the slightest bit of moisture on the pad of his thumb.

“Sho-kun, how drunk are you right now?”

“Don’t fuck with me like this,” Sho said, sounding a little desperate, a little impatient. There was still the stubbornness of teenage Sho underneath the charming papa exterior. It gave Jun a surge of excitement, knowing Sho was genuinely interested. If anything, the wine had just made him more upfront about it.

He moved his thumb, sliding his hand to hold the back of Sho’s neck. Sho let out an odd little laugh, his eyes fluttering closed. It gave Jun the courage he needed, leaning forward and giving in. It was soft and slow, unlike their previous experience. Now that he had Sho in his life again, without the pressures of Johnny’s or an elite university weighing them down, he felt no need to hurry.

Sho didn’t do much at first, just parting his lips a little, probably shocked that Jun had actually gone ahead and done it. But soon enough he was waking up, wrapping an arm around him, resting his palm at the base of Jun’s spine to pull him closer. Jun still had Sho’s button in his other hand, and he tried not to laugh at their mutually gross garlic breath. When Sho decided it was worth getting a little more aggressive, slipping his hand lower to try and grab his ass, Jun remembered that the two of them were standing in his bedroom and he knew it couldn’t go any further tonight.

He stopped first, backing up and seeing keen disappointment in Sho’s face as he moved his hand away. Jun smiled, reassuring him. “That was an improvement over last time,” he said quietly. 

Sho lifted a hand to his mouth, breathing heavily onto his palm and making an irritated face. “Sorry. You’re the one who used all that garlic.”

“And you loved it,” Jun pointed out.

Now that they’d gone ahead and kissed, now that they’d moved beyond their friendly emails, he was genuinely moved by the bashful but pleased expression that appeared on Sho’s face. His beloved Sho-kun, after all these years.

“What does this mean?” Sho asked, seeming to rock back a little bit to keep himself from picking up where they left off, bad breath be damned.

“It doesn’t have to mean anything,” Jun said quickly, watching Sho’s eyes widen before he waved a hand in front of his face. “That came out wrong. It does mean something. It means a lot, Sho-kun, it does. But I think, maybe, that it’s in our best interests if we don’t rush into this.”

Sho nodded, his panic subsiding. “You’re right. I agree.” He sighed. “You know, the longest relationship I’ve ever been in was with my wife.”

“I figured,” Jun said teasingly, offering no answer of his own. The longest “relationship” Jun had ever had was the one he had with Nino and after that, with Ohno. And both of those were still ongoing, though he supposed that might have to change.

“I should probably get home,” Sho said, scratching his arm nervously. “I have Saya this weekend and then my trip coming up next week. I get back on Friday evening. When can I see you again?”

“How do you usually get back from the airport?”

“From Haneda? Taxi.”

“Well, I don’t have a car,” Jun said, “but how about I meet you there?”

Sho crinkled his nose. “I’ll be tired. Working my ass off and then flying back…”

“So you don’t want to see me that badly is what you’re saying.”

Sho gave him a playful little shove, jostling his shoulder. “Alright, alright. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Flying can make me grumpy.”

“Sho-kun, you’ve always been grumpy and that never stopped me.”

Sho turned away, stomping off. He threw his hands in the air. “Don’t say stuff like that! It’s too cute!”

He followed Sho, laughing at him. “I’m not cute!”

Though Sho had pretty much destroyed the parmigiana, there was still pasta left, and Jun packed it up for him. “When I eat this tomorrow, I’ll think of you,” Sho promised, clutching the container to his chest with a silly glimmer in his eyes.

“You’re gross,” Jun told him.

They made firmer plans for Jun meeting Sho at the airport, and then Jun walked him to the door. He took Sho’s suit jacket from the hook, held it out to help him put it on. There was a surprising intimacy to the gesture, Jun’s fingers lingering on Sho’s collar before stepping away. When Sho turned back to him, Jun wished he could ask him to stay. But it was way too soon for that. 

“Go home,” Jun teased him. “You smell like garlic.”

Sho leaned forward, fingers grasping Jun’s t-shirt as he planted a big sloppy kiss on his lips in retaliation. Jun groaned, realizing that he was now starting a relationship with a dorky dad. Dorky dads traditionally had not been his type at all, but he supposed, seeing the gentle smile on Sho’s face, that he might change his mind.

He all but shoved Sho out the door, locking it behind him. He was giddy and shaking a bit once he was alone again, knowing that the Jun of so many years ago would probably be throwing a ticker-tape parade in celebration. Instead Jun went back to his kitchen, finding the button Sho had given him sitting on the counter where he’d left it to pack up the leftovers.

Jun, prone to talking to himself, addressed the button with mock-seriousness. “Thanks for all your hard work today.”

—

Ohno and Nino’s reaction was as sensitive as Jun had expected, the pair of them cracking up in hysterics when Jun told them that he didn’t think it was appropriate for them to continue having sex with each other.

“Well, of course not,” Nino said, smacking the counter and sending a pair of love dice rattling around. “It’s that serious then?”

Jun shrugged, stifling his embarrassment by shoving his hands in his pockets. Ohno was smiling like crazy, even as he sliced open a box of their newest arrivals with a box cutter, unloading a selection of nipple clamps and collars. “I don’t know if it’s that serious, to tell you the truth. I just…if he and I are going to be together, I kind of want it to be exclusive. I’m really sorry…”

Ohno gestured at him with the box cutter. “Why are you apologizing?”

Jun gestured right back at the stuff Ohno was unloading. “You need my help with those things.”

Ohno and Nino looked at each other and laughed even harder.

“What am I not getting?” Jun asked, getting pissed off.

Nino actually got out of his seat, came around and wrapped his arms around him, squeezing tight. “Jun-kun, it stopped being about the toys a long time ago for us.”

“Although we really like the toys,” Ohno pointed out. “Like, a lot a lot.”

Nino nuzzled against Jun’s shoulder like a lazy cat. “Jun-kun, you are an outstanding and attentive and amazing lover. We just enjoyed taking advantage of it.”

“You’ve just been using me for sex, is what you’re saying,” he replied snippily.

“Isn’t that what friends with benefits means?” Ohno asked, still smiling. “You’re like the best benefit there is!”

Nino, unashamed, reached for Jun’s face and pulled him down for a kiss. “We’re thrilled for you, you idiot,” Nino whispered. “You deserve happiness.”

“What’s that?” Ohno called out from the other side of the store. “I didn’t quite catch that, was Nino-chan being sincere and nice?”

“Never!” Nino declared, patting the front of Jun’s slacks greedily.

Jun felt himself blush, despite his irritation. He’d thought they were going to be upset with him. Disappointed even. “Thank you,” he mumbled, inclining his head.

“But if you and Sakurai-san ever make a sex tape or something, we’d be happy to buy a copy,” Ohno said with a wicked glint in his eyes. Nino skipped his way across the shop floor, theatrically bopping Ohno in the head with his hand.

“And do please remind him of our 20% off promotion,” Nino said, always thinking about his business. “I might even throw in an additional 10% off friends and family discount.”

“You’re both horrible,” Jun said, laughing.

Nino settled back down in front of his laptop. “Ah, but what shall we do?” he lamented, glancing mournfully at his colorful product page tastefully titled “Super Fun Anal Toys.” “What shall we do without Jun-kun to spice up our sex lives?”

“What about Aiba-chan?” Ohno asked. 

Nino recoiled, letting out a shuddering breath. “You did not just put that question out into the universe.”

“He’s straight,” Jun reminded him. “He has a girlfriend.”

Nino continued his complaints. “And even if he wasn’t, I’d rather cut off my own dick than fuck him. I used to take baths with that idiot.”

Ohno leered at Nino. “Oh really?”

Nino lifted his laptop, threatening to throw it at him. “Leave this store immediately.”

“Ah, but Aiba-chan is super cute. I bet he’d try anything.”

Nino continued his whining. “If you keep talking about him like that, I will murder you in your sleep!”

Jun relaxed, helping Ohno organize the new arrivals. He’d been worried for nothing. He had Ohno and Nino’s friendship for life, and even if he had to admit that he’d miss them, miss the subtle things that made sex with both of them fun and enjoyable, he’d spent the last few days realizing that he couldn’t move forward with Sho if he kept fucking around. Was he being too serious, reading too much into what he and Sho had? Maybe, maybe not, but he was standing by his decision. 

In the stock room, Ohno wrapped his arms around him, hugging him from behind. “What?” he asked.

“I’m happy for you, too. I really am.”

“Thanks. But we’re not even really…I mean, I don’t know what it is yet.”

“I know what you wanted,” Ohno admitted. “All this time, I’ve known you wanted something more serious. We both knew, and we’ve been waiting for you to find someone. We’d have let you go whenever you wanted, you have to believe that.”

“Satoshi…”

Ohno squeezed him again, and Jun could feel his head pressing against his back. “We’re both cheering for you. And if this Sakurai-san hurts you again, we’ll hurt him.”

Jun rolled his eyes, even as Ohno’s words touched him deeply. “Thank you for your concern.”

“You’ll keep coming here?”

“Of course.”

Ohno let him go, patting his butt. “Good.”

—

His new job kept him far busier than he’d ever been at Shimura Animal Hospital. Though Sakurai Medical Supply was only a medium-sized business, they had hundreds of clients in Japan and overseas. And as head of Sales and Marketing, Takenaka Naoto met with almost all of them in some capacity. While the department Sho was in handled most of the overseas clients directly, Takenaka-san was responsible for managing all of it and for seeking out new clients.

By the end of that first week, Jun had figured out that the chatty Takenaka-san’s meetings could often run long, so he booked conference rooms for a full hour but told him he was scheduled for 30 minutes. Takenaka had already caught on, giving Jun a thumbs up. And to welcome Jun to the department, Takenaka had told Jun to cater in lunch for the whole department from a restaurant of his choice.

He was busy, but he was enjoying it. In his free time, he started to learn the names of clients, tracing the history of accounts in the records they had on hand. The more Jun knew, the more useful he could be to his boss, and that was the sort of thing Jun liked best, knowing that the work he was doing was useful.

And then there was Sho. Even though he’d left Monday morning for Manila, he took every free moment to email or text. To send even more weird photos and selfies from his trip. And then on Thursday night, while Jun was out to the movies with Aiba and his girlfriend, he received a photo that nearly made him choke. It was a picture of Sho in the bathroom of his hotel room, hair wet and wearing a bathrobe, pointing at the mirror and holding his phone in the other. 

_Can’t wait to see you tomorrow._

Sho’s flight landed at 8:00 PM, and Jun stood near the limo drivers in the international arrivals area, dressed in his suit from work and holding a less than professional looking piece of paper that said “Sakurai-sama.” Sho spotted him almost immediately, laughing as he walked up with his black wheeled carry-on and his jacket thrown over his arm.

Even though Sho had found him, Jun looked elsewhere, lifting the “Sakurai-sama” sign higher. Sho ran his suitcase over Jun’s foot deliberately. “I think you must be looking for me.”

Jun looked at him, grinning. “Definitely not.”

Sho nodded. “Well, then I’ll be heading for the taxi queue, please excuse me.”

He got maybe five steps before Jun yanked the suitcase from his grasp, heading in the direction of the train. He soon realized just why Sho took a taxi home, since it took three crowded trains to get out to Kunitachi Station. In their correspondence that week, Sho had explained that Satomi still lived in the house they’d gotten together after getting married, and after the divorce, Sho had moved to a high-rise apartment building near Kunitachi Station, staying nearby so he’d never be too far from his daughter, even if it made his commute to work longer. Sho’s devotion to his child only made Jun’s feelings for him grow stronger.

Sho’s apartment was less roomy than Jun’s, most likely because he was away from home often and didn’t care about having a lot of space, but Jun was given the grand tour. In the bright pink guest slippers that Sayaka had apparently picked out, Jun followed Sho from room to room. A living room with a big TV, the low table covered with a halfway-completed Doraemon puzzle waiting for Saya-chan’s return. A serviceable kitchen and small dining area. A bathroom with a small green stepstool by the sink and a separate rack with Frozen towels for little hands. Every room a reminder that Sho wasn’t living the same type of life Jun was. It was a little unnerving, but he knew that it was important to Sho, showing Jun just how much his daughter meant to him. The message came through loud and clear.

Sho turned on the light in his second bedroom, showing the small bed that was neatly made with a pink and purple comforter, a handful of stuffed animals arranged by the pillows. Artwork was tacked up on the walls along with posters of Saya’s beloved Elsa and Olaf. “You should see her actual room back at the house. It’s scary. This is low-key as far as the Frozen shit goes.”

Jun laughed. “You just know whatever she likes next will be even worse.”

“Don’t even joke,” Sho complained. “I know every word to the Frozen sing-a-long DVD. Even the English versions.”

“Well now I know what to make you sing at karaoke sometime.”

Sho pushed him out of the way, closing the door and rattling the glittery pink and green S-A-Y-A-K-A letters attached to it. “Enough of that.”

“Do I get to see your room?” he asked, deliberately aiming for a suggestive tone.

Sho shook his head. “If you remember my room from high school, then you don’t need to see it yet. At least not tonight.”

Jun laughed, remembering. He remembered Sho’s bedroom, the only room in the elegant Sakurai home that looked like a typhoon had whipped through it. Clothes all over the floor and on the bed, choreography practice DVDs scattered near the TV, posters of soccer stars alongside hip hop musicians, every inch of space covered. Sho’s mother always threatened to clean it if Sho didn’t hunker down and do his homework. “God, Mom, it’s my room, leave me alone!” he always whined, and Jun always laughed. His parents were never so indulgent with him.

Sho sent him to the living room while he tugged his suitcase into his room and shut the door. He shrugged out of his suit jacket, tossing it onto the chair near the sofa. He had a seat, yelping in surprise when he unearthed a doll in a striped green dress and a crazy hairstyle. He chuckled, setting it on the table on top of the puzzle. Sho had had Saya-chan until Sunday evening and then his flight out Monday morning. It was obvious he hadn’t had time to tidy up.

When Sho reemerged in a t-shirt and pajama pants, Jun felt rather overdressed. Sho plopped down on the couch beside him, squeezing a pillow. “It’s so good to be home!”

“I sat on a doll,” Jun said, and Sho laughed.

“Yeah that’s…that’s my life. Sorry.”

Jun scooted over, putting an arm around him. Sho looked at him, grinning. Before Sho could start blabbing again, Jun took advantage, kissing him. Sho’s fingers were on his tie, tugging him along. It took a few awkward movements, Jun’s elbow hitting Sho in the ribs, but soon Sho was on his back and Jun was between his legs. It had been a long week, a long wait. He didn’t care if his clothes were wrinkling because he had Sho right where he wanted him. This time, thankfully, he didn’t taste like garlic.

Most of the time with Ohno, with Nino, they skipped ahead to sex. Or jumped right in using whatever SK Enterprises future top seller they were trying out. It had been so long, so long since Jun had been able to just kiss someone. And as they got used to each other, as he left Sho’s lips swollen from affection, he felt an incredible happiness flowing through him.

Sho stopped them momentarily, breathing heavily and biting his lip. “Matsujun, is this crazy or what?”

“I don’t think it’s that crazy,” Jun replied, even though Sho’s hands were on his ass, squeezing him like he was a piece of fruit at the grocery store. “You like that, huh?”

“I don’t get to do this much.” He patted Jun’s ass appreciatively. “I’ve never had anyone here before. I’ve never made out on this couch before.”

“Happy to help.”

“Bringing people here, it would probably scare most people away, you know?”

He leaned forward again, brushing a soft kiss to the side of Sho’s mouth. “I’m not scared.” He was more unfamiliar with Sho’s life than he was afraid of it. Sho was very upfront about what was most important to him. He kissed Sho again, again, lingering there, over and over. “I like you. I’m not scared.”

A few minutes later, he was warm, trying not to groan every time Sho adjusted a little, rocking up against him, hard and unashamed.

“Take your shirt off,” Sho said, a subtle shift to his voice. “I want to see you.”

Jun moved, kneeling on the cushion as Sho leaned back on his elbows, watching. Working with deliberate slowness, Jun loosened the knot in his tie, sliding it off and dumping it on Sho. Then he brought his fingers to each button, feeling Sho’s eyes burning a hole through him as he licked his lips, his hands steadier than he anticipated as he slowly worked his way down.

“You certainly grew up,” Sho murmured when Jun slid his shirt off, tossing it on the chair to join his jacket. “Wow Matsujun…”

He waved him off, chuckling. “You just want to get laid. Flatterer.”

Sho laughed in return. “Ah, so what if I do? Doesn’t mean you’re not fucking hot, alright?”

Hearing those words from Sho, confirmation of his attraction, his desire to take it to the next level, gave Jun a bump of courage. He stayed there, kneeling between Sho’s still open legs, watching Sho take his tie in his shaking fingers to keep his hands busy. “About that, Sho-kun…”

“You want me to keep going? Fishing for compliments?”

“No,” Jun interrupted him, resting a hand on Sho’s knee. He saw encouragement in Sho’s eyes, trust even. “Sho-kun, I have to tell you something.”

“What?”

“It’s something I want you to know in case we eventually…if we’re going to…”

“Have sex?” Sho asked, raising an eyebrow eagerly.

“Yeah.”

“Go ahead. I’m all ears,” Sho said, though Jun knew he probably only had Sho’s attention halfway, since his eyes were a bit busy staring possessively at his shoulders, the curve of his arms, his chest…

“I just want you to know that I’m not involved with anyone else right now. I was before, a casual thing. That’s over now though. I don’t know what your expectations are, but I want you to know that I’m not with anyone else.”

Sho smiled, nodding. “Good. I didn’t want to…I didn’t want to say it just yet, it seems a bit premature, but if you’re telling me now, it means you’re serious and…well, I think you should know that I am too. I haven’t been with anyone for, um, well, months. Months, and even that was…well, it was nothing really. One night stand, you know?”

Jun looked down, a little embarrassed. “Well…”

Sho’s hand found his where it was still resting on his knee. He gave Jun’s hand a squeeze. “Well?”

“This is going to sound weird, but um…” He still couldn’t look at Sho. “I kind of had a thing with Nino.”

“Oh?”

“That’s…well, to be completely honest it was with Nino and his partner. Ohno-san. They run that sex store together. There was a casual thing that the three of us had, but I want you to know I ended it so…”

“You were sleeping with _both_ of them?” Sho asked, his voice cracking a little.

Jun finally looked up, seeing the confused and almost hurt look in Sho’s eyes. But it was best to tell him the truth, wasn’t it? “Yeah. Yeah, I was. Not at the same time, not a threesome sort of thing…well, not recently…”

“Oh my God…”

“Sho-kun,” Jun said gently, feeling his heart start to race and not in the way he liked. “Sho-kun, I’m not going to do that anymore. As soon as you…as soon as we…that night when you came over to my place, it was from there that I decided to stop. That if there was going to be a you and me, if we were going to get serious…”

“How casual was this casual ‘thing’ if you were fucking both Nino and his boyfriend?” 

Sho’s voice was a bit harsher than Jun liked. It reminded him of the way Sho used to speak to him when he’d call him late at night, as though Jun was a real inconvenience. It had made him feel so small, but he’d still kept calling. But he didn’t have to let Sho speak to him that way now, did he?

“I said I ended it. It’s done. In fact, I don’t have to justify what I’ve done, nor do I really owe you an explanation, but I’m telling you anyway.”

Sho relented, shutting his eyes. “I’m sorry. It’s a lot for me to handle. I’ve never…”

“I’m sure you never did anything like that.” He cleared his throat. “I’m not going to stop being friends with them either. They’re important to me, but that other aspect…that’s done.”

Sho’s fingers twined with his. “I just don’t understand, that’s all. Casual, that kind of casual is…a little hard for me to wrap my head around.”

“We don’t have to do anything tonight. After telling you that, I could understand why you’d want to think about it a little more.”

“God, I’m sorry,” Sho mumbled, somehow managing to look at him again. “It’s just…maybe if it wasn’t Nino, I wouldn’t be so weirded out. So like, that time we met for ramen you and he were still…?”

Jun remembered all too clearly how that night had ended, fucking Nino until he was screaming his name.

“Does it matter?” Jun asked. “Does it matter if it’s over now?”

Sho sat up, running a hand through his hair. Jun was fairly certain they weren’t going to do anything more that night. He kept waiting for Sho to break his promise, to change his mind. To assess Jun’s life, a life Jun had been living before Sho had even come back into the picture, and find it incompatible with what he was looking for. In other words, another excuse for Sho to say “it’s impossible.”

To his surprise, Sho leaned over and pressed a kiss to his bare shoulder. “You like me so much you stopped it, just like that? What you had with them?”

“Of course.”

“Then I suppose that’s all that matters.” Sho sat beside him, resting his head against Jun’s shoulder. “Matsujun, I married a woman I didn’t love because I’ve known for years that I’m gay. I’ve known it since I kissed you in that park. Okay, even before that. I had a baby with that woman I didn’t love because I felt like it was what was expected of me, and I listened to her cry every night because I was never going to be the man she deserved.”

“Sho-kun…”

“That’s the man I was, you know? I stayed late at work while she was home, alone, pregnant with my baby. I went on every trip I could, as far from that house as I could get, even after Saya was born. And then one night I was in Jakarta, out drinking with colleagues from the office down there and Satomi calls and says ‘your daughter is in the hospital,’ just like that. And I hated myself. Matsujun, I hated myself…”

“What happened?”

“I took the first flight home, and when I saw her again, saw the little girl who had a really bad fever, the little girl who was mine just as much as Satomi’s, I broke down. It could have been so much worse. It could have been so much worse.”

Jun felt a little awkward, still in his belt and slacks, but Sho didn’t seem to mind when Jun wrapped an arm around him.

“So I don’t know what I’m trying to say. Maybe I’m just saying I didn’t fucking grow up until I was almost 30 years old. I’ve spent every day since trying to be better. To be the father that girl deserves, to treat Satomi with the respect she deserves. I try to be better, every single day, so what right do I have to be judgmental of what you did before we even met again?”

Jun had to admit that it was difficult to reconcile the man he’d gotten to know the last several weeks with the Sakurai Sho of Sho’s story. It was difficult to imagine the man who could sing the Frozen songs in English as someone completely indifferent to his wife and daughter. 

He smiled gently. “See why I told you it was a good idea to take it slow?”

Sho chuckled a little. “You are very smart.”

He pressed a few kisses to Sho’s temple, his ear, drawing his fingers up and down Sho’s arm and feeling him shudder in pleasure from it. He could see tears trailing down Sho’s face, deciding not to comment on them. “Shall we keep trying then? This whole…relationship thing? If you want to put a label on it.”

“If it means I get to see more of you without a shirt on, then I’m definitely on board.”

He grinned. “I’m even more interesting without pants.”

“I can’t wait to find out.”


	4. Chapter 4

Work ramped up for Jun over the next several weeks, but it made the free moments he got to spend with Sho all the sweeter. They went out for a meal at least once a week or Sho happily paid for the ingredients, asking Jun to cook for him at home. They kissed. A lot. They talked. A lot. After that first night at Sho’s apartment, where Jun had reiterated again and again that Sho was the only person in his life now, where Sho had told Jun how much he wanted him, they’d come to decide that honesty was the best policy. 

He fell asleep watching TV on Sho’s couch some nights, waking up only when Sho started unbuttoning his shirt, scattering kisses across his abdomen, swirling his eager tongue around one of Jun’s nipples. They went for long drives in Sho’s car, Jun deliberately ignoring the unsexy child safety seat in the back as he watched Sho in profile, watched the rhythm of his fingers tapping the steering wheel. Together they drove for hours, wasting gas, listening to the radio and letting out little frustrations from work. Everything was made better one night when Sho parked in the garage beneath his building, unzipping Jun’s slacks without asking and sucking his cock for the very first time so perfectly he accidentally swung his hand out and turned on Sho’s windshield wipers. Sho’s new nickname for him was “Wiper-san,” an inside joke that colored most of their texts back and forth now.

After that first amazing experience, feeling Sho’s lips close around the head of his cock for the first time, he wanted to return the favor. Most admins at Sakurai Medical Supply had access to a shared company calendar, and since Takenaka-san had occasional meetings with Sho or other members of his group, he didn’t feel any nervousness when he called up Aragaki-san, the new admin in Sho’s group, the woman who’d gotten the job Jun had deliberately refused to interview for.

“Aragaki-san, this is Matsumoto up in Takenaka Naoto-san’s office.”

“Thanks for your hard work today, Matsumoto-san!”

“Same to you. I’m seeing an opening on Sakurai-san’s calendar this afternoon, 2:00 PM?”

“Yes, that’s correct. He had a 1:30 that was canceled, but he’s free until 3:30 now. Do you need me to find time for him to meet with Takenaka-san today?”

“Actually, I was hoping to meet with him myself. It’s about a client meeting Takenaka-san has in Hong Kong next week. I’m helping to coordinate a dinner for him and the clients, and I thought perhaps Sakurai-san knew a few places.”

“Oh, I see. Let me put you on his calendar for 2:00 then. I’ll schedule you for half an hour, how’s that?”

“That would be great, thank you.”

To be fair, he really did want to ask Sho about Hong Kong, but he obviously could have done that through email. Or in person, off the clock. Whether Aragaki-san thought his request was strange or not, he didn’t much care. Nobody at work knew about their relationship, and they had every intention of keeping it that way for now. And if anyone asked, they could easily say that they were old friends. That was true, of course.

At 1:55, with Takenaka-san off at improv for the week, Jun took the elevator down to Sho’s floor, straightening his tie and smoothing his hands down his jacket. He tapped his pen against his notepad as he exited, walking through the mass of work stations en route to Aragaki-san’s desk, which was right outside of Sho’s office.

She brightened when he arrived. “Good timing, he just got off the phone.”

“Wonderful, thanks for setting this up so last minute.”

He knocked on Sho’s door, hearing a “come on in!” Before Sho could tell him to leave it open, Jun shut it behind him. While the executive floor had fancier offices, with frosted glass interior walls, Sho’s office was more box-like, painted walls and one large window looking out with slightly crooked blinds. His desk, much like his bedroom, was a mess. Stacks of papers and file folders, a computer monitor covered in colorful post-it note reminders.

“I saw your name pop up on my calendar,” Sho said, looking confused. He’d gotten up when the door had opened, was standing a little awkwardly beside his chair. “What’s wrong?”

Jun moved over to Sho’s desk, setting down his notepad and pen. He then started to take off his suit jacket.

“Whoa,” Sho said, lowering his voice. “What the hell are you doing?”

Jun ignored him, not looking away as he settled his jacket on one of the chairs in front of Sho’s desk. He undid the buttons at his wrists, rolling up his sleeves.

“Matsujun, stop,” Sho said, looking past his shoulder to his very much unlocked door. “The fuck is going on?”

He moved around Sho’s desk, taking his phone from his pocket. Holding up a finger briefly to inform Sho to wait for a response, he scrolled through his texts, finding the one in question. It was from a night three weeks ago, when Sho had been slightly tipsy coming back from some colleague’s wedding reception. “Did you or did you not send me this text?”

_One day you should come to my office and suck me off._

Sho’s eyes widened, and he rested a hand on his chair. “I was…I wasn’t serious!” It was kind of hilarious listening to Sho try and keep his hysterics in check. The soundproofing on these offices probably wasn’t that good, but the chatter amongst Sho’s employees probably made it so that Aragaki-san wouldn’t hear a thing.

Jun looked back at his screen, letting out a little “hmm” of confusion. “I don’t know, Sakurai-san, you didn’t use any smily face or winky face emoji that might have better conveyed your lack of seriousness.”

Sho was nervous, sure, but there was a slight smile on his face. “Did you really come down here for that?”

“Technically,” Jun said, setting his phone down on Sho’s desk, “I’m here to ask you for recommendations for Hong Kong restaurants. Takenaka-san’s looking for something different than usual, and you’re such a world traveler.”

“You’re out of your mind,” Sho whispered.

“Do you want to offer your recommendations now or after I swallow your come?”

“Oh my god,” Sho said, looking away, putting his hand over his mouth. When he looked back, he was shaking his head. “We might get caught.”

“Isn’t that the fun part?”

“Matsujun,” Sho said. “No way.”

“Sit down.”

“Matsujun…”

“I said sit down,” he said, lowering his voice in a way he knew Sho liked.

Sho did as he was told, and Jun knew he had him then. But Sho made sure to turn his chair so the back of it was to his desk, offering him at least some privacy in case Aragaki-san had to make a desperate interruption. Jun watched Sho nearly collapse into the chair, scooting his butt until he was sitting near the edge of it with his legs spread. He was in the tie Jun had picked for him weeks back when they were still flirting and one of his best suits, a dark gray with slacks that showed off the curve of his perfect ass. It was too bad Jun had come down to worship the front of him when Sho had so much to offer in back as well.

Jun knelt down before him, resting his face against Sho’s leg. “For the sake of that innocent-looking admin you have out there, you know you have to be quiet, right?”

“No shit.”

Jun smiled. “You’re mad at me.”

“I’m not.”

“You’re mad that I did this during business hours so you can’t do anything but shut your fucking mouth and take it.”

Sho scowled down at him. “Well, are you going to talk the whole time or are you going to do what you came here to do?”

“That’s the spirit,” Jun whispered.

He wasn’t terribly surprised when he unzipped Sho’s slacks, unbuttoning his boring gray boxers to find that he was half-hard already. Jun had learned over the past few weeks that it didn’t take much to get Sho hard. It had been a while since he’d been with anyone, and his desperation for Jun sometimes, the way he clung to Jun when they kissed, well, it spoke of someone who hadn’t had his cock sucked in a very long time. Jun was eager to do a good job.

He stroked Sho for a little while, looking up and keeping Sho’s attention. He was making some rather funny faces, little gasps and winces because he couldn’t really let his feelings be known. Jun had only been acquainted with Sho’s dick through his clothes so far, so it felt like a wonderful leap forward in their relationship to touch him for the first time, to admire the increasingly hard length of him in his hand.

“Has anyone besides you ever touched your dick in this office?”

“I don’t jack off at work,” Sho said, offended.

“Well surely you scratch your balls from time to time…”

“For fuck’s sake,” Sho moaned quietly when Jun’s thumb stroked the head of his cock, teasing across his slit. “Don’t torture me…and don’t ruin my suit.”

Jun chuckled. “Why don’t you think of Hong Kong?”

“Why don’t you…”

Jun finally broke their eye contact, licking all the way up the underside of Sho’s cock, slowly, slowly, from the base of his shaft poking out of his boxers to the head. When Sho let out a strangled little noise, Jun repeated the motion. He flicked his eyes to the side briefly, saw the way Sho’s hand was gripping the arm of his chair, knuckles white. He nearly ruined Sho with his teasing, pressing sloppy kisses and little sucks to the head of his cock, secretly wishing that Sho would make some real noise.

Instead he kept breathing unsteadily, holding adorably tight to his chair, his legs shaking to either side of Jun’s shoulders as Jun took his cock in his mouth. Even on his knees, in the most vulnerable position here with Sho’s cock filling his mouth, he felt he could do this for hours. He shut his eyes, one hand slowly stroking him while he sucked. With his free hand, he reached for Sho’s, detaching him from the arm of his chair. Sho let out a tiny gasp of pleasure when Jun brought Sho’s hand to the top of his head.

With Sho’s hand there, Jun let Sho take some measure of control back. Sho’s fingers tightened in the short strands of Jun’s dark hair and before too long Sho was pushing his head a little, making him take his cock deeper into his mouth. Jun knew he was probably going to get drool onto Sho’s slacks, but he had definitely listened to Aragaki-san earlier when she’d said Sho was free until 3:30. Surely he’d dry off by then. As Sho forced Jun’s head up and down in a slightly unsteady motion, Jun tightened his grip, hearing Sho’s gentle moan of approval.

The phone on Sho’s desk rang, and they both froze. Keeping calm, Jun lifted his head, wiping some saliva from his mouth with his thumb to check the caller ID. “It says Matsuoka.”

“Let it go to voicemail.”

The phone rang four more times as Jun pumped Sho hard, tonguing the head of his cock. When the ringing stopped, Sho’s hand was back, pushing him harder and harder until Jun had tears in his eyes, was close to gagging a few times. The sensation was unreal, letting Sho dictate exactly what he wanted. Dorky dad was kind of dirty. And Jun loved it.

Soon Sho couldn’t take it any more, Jun adoring his little hum of approval as he gave in, feeling the sudden warmth fill his mouth. Jun stopped, stunned when Sho’s hand suddenly grasped his messy, spittle-covered chin. “Wait,” Sho demanded, his voice so insistent that Jun nearly moaned. He felt Sho’s fingers move, past his lips, two of them landing on Jun’s bottom teeth and pushing down. Jun could only look up in surprise, seeing Sho smile at the sight of his come still sitting on Jun’s tongue.

Sho released him. “Go ahead.”

Jun did as directed, unable to look away as he swallowed down the rest of the bitter taste. This time Sho didn’t have to force his mouth open. He opened up, let Sho see it was all gone, that he’d taken all of it.

Sho smiled even bigger this time. “You’re good.”

He hadn’t expected that sort of grand finale, not with someone as silly as Sho. He got to his feet, shaking a little in surprise. Sho was turning in his chair, reaching for a box of tissue. He gave Jun a handful, using some more to clean himself. “Here,” he said, handing Jun the tissue when he was done with it, “you throw it out. I don’t want my cleaning woman thinking I’m masturbating in here.”

Jun finished wiping his mouth, shoving all of the tissue in the pocket of his slacks. Still a bit stunned, he somehow managed to pick up his phone and walk back around Sho’s desk, putting his jacket back on and sitting down in the chair across from him.

Sho buttoned his boxers and zipped up his pants, clearing his throat and meeting Jun’s eyes with a smile. “Now Matsumoto-san,” he said confidently, even though there were beads of perspiration sliding down his face. “Let’s talk Hong Kong.”

—

Jun was halfway to the door when Nino called out to him. “Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Tell him it’s shipping out tomorrow.”

Jun turned, confused. “What’s shipping out tomorrow? Tell who?”

He’d had dinner with Ohno and Nino that evening, or more like they’d ordered in a pizza and sat around lazily watching a baseball game. Ohno came back from the kitchen, an annoyed look on his face. “Why did you say anything?”

“I thought he knew!” Nino shot back, holding up his hands in innocence from his seat on the floor, cushion under his butt. 

“What are you idiots talking about?” Jun asked, nervous.

Ohno stood in the doorway, crossing his arms. “Sho-san placed an order with us the other day. Since he used the discount code…”

“Since he used the code, we figured you two ordered together,” Nino said. “And now I get the feeling he didn’t tell you.”

“Sho _bought_ something?”

Nino and Ohno exchanged a knowing look. Jun was across the room in seconds, standing over Nino, deliberately blocking the TV.

“Well, you have to tell me what he ordered.”

Nino smirked at him. “Why?”

“Because you brought it up. Tell me.”

Nino leaned back, palms on the floor. “Don’t you want to be surprised? I mean, I guess we’ve sort of spoiled it for you, but isn’t it better if you don’t know what’s coming?”

Ohno chimed in. “Yeah, I’m sure he had his reasons for ordering what he did.”

Jun turned, staring Ohno down. “What the hell did he buy?”

When Ohno and Nino said nothing, Jun paced their living room floor, nervous. What would Sho buy? Why would he buy it? Jun tried to think. Had he said anything recently? Had he asked for anything specific? He and Sho’s relationship had leveled up again, their texts getting racier and racier, especially when Sho was out of the country, lonely in a hotel somewhere. They’d been together for three months now, three really great months, but neither of them had approached the topic of having sex, well, sex besides oral. Which they engaged in enough that Jun didn’t have any complaints.

Did Sho want to try something new? He was usually pretty upfront about what he wanted, which Jun quite liked about him. Especially when he asked in a really odd way, like sending Jun an email link to some “Rimming 101” tutorial with a hopeful comment asking him “do you want me to do this to you?”

“This is going to drive me crazy now,” Jun complained. He hated surprises.

“It’s something we tried before,” Ohno said, and Nino flung his cushion at him.

“Oi! Don’t tell him anything! He’s much more fun when he’s pissed off!”

Jun rolled his eyes. “I’ve tried everything in your fucking store, so that really narrows it down.” 

For all Jun knew, Sho might have just bought some adult videos. Or a prostate massager. Or edible body chocolate. Or the neon pink dishwasher-safe double dildo Nino called “Pinky-san” on their stupid website. 

He covered his face with his hands, muffling his whine. “Oh god, Nino, why did you do this to me?”

“Ahhh, this is awesome,” Nino said gleefully, yelping in pain when Jun childishly kicked him in the leg, though not really hard enough to hurt him.

Ohno poked Jun’s cheek when he opened the door to let him out. “I think you’ll have fun with it. Good night.”

—

Sho had Saya-chan that weekend, but the last few times, he’d asked Jun if he wanted to spend time together with the both of them. It had been three months, and since they were going strong, Sho thought it was time to let Jun in on the most important relationship in his life. They had kept it simple so far, Jun coming along when Sho took Saya to McDonald’s one weekend, sitting in the stands with Sho for one of Saya’s soccer “matches” another time. 

Jun was re-introduced to Sayaka as her father’s “good friend,” though the little girl had wrapped herself around Sho’s legs, hiding her face before popping her head back out and asking “A friend like Tomo-san?”

“Tomo-san” was what Saya-chan called Satomi’s current boyfriend, and Sho hadn’t known how to respond to his daughter’s question. He’d even panicked adorably, asking Saya-chan to please wait while he phoned her mother right then and there. Jun stood there, a little nervous, as Sho asked if it was okay for Sayaka to think of Jun the same way she thought of “Tomo-san.” He’d watched Sho’s face turn red, watching him bow his head again and again while he was talking as though Satomi was standing right in front of him.

When Sho hung up, he knelt down, looking his daughter straight in the eye. “Yes, Jun-san is a friend like Tomo-san.”

As soon as Saya-chan had confirmation, she offered Jun a smile. “Okay then! Jun-san! Let’s be friends too!”

“Of course,” he’d replied, feeling a strange sort of happiness. Without even meeting her yet, he apparently had Ishihara Satomi’s approval.

That Sunday afternoon he and Sho had taken Saya-chan to a department store that she called “Fun Land,” mainly because there was a little amusement center on the roof. An ice cream stand, a merry-go-round, an arcade, a train ride that went around in a circle. As the girl sat in the rear car of the train ride for the fourth time, waving happily at them each time she came around, Jun stood beside Sho and the other parents outside the white fence surrounding the ride.

Sho had taken at least fifty pictures of her already, the little shutter noise on his phone going off every few seconds. “One day she’s not going to be that easily amused,” Sho fretted. “One day she’s going to start liking boys.”

“Or girls,” Jun replied, elbowing him for being narrow-minded.

“Either way,” Sho grumbled, snapping another photo. “Satomi says there’s a boy in her class who has a kissing problem.”

“A kissing problem?”

“He likes to give the girls kisses. They sent a letter home.”

Jun snorted at that, already fearing what awaited Sayaka’s first date several years from now. Sho was probably going to be the “Scary” papa then.

With Saya around, Jun had been distracted from the knowledge of what Ohno and Nino had shared with him the other night. About Sho’s first order from SK Enterprises. Sho hadn’t said a word about it, hadn’t even implied it. Now he just had to wait for Sho to bring it up, even though Jun was not the world’s most patient person. Sho was in the office for the next three weeks straight without an overseas trip, so that was a long stretch of time they were going to be able to share in each other’s company. But how long before Sho brought up what he’d bought? What if Sho got cold feet and changed his mind before even telling Jun about it? Then he’d never know what it was.

He had no more time to worry about it because the train ride was over, and Saya came running over. “Can we do the no floor now?”

Sho’s face turned ashen. “You really want to do that, huh?”

“Yeah!”

Sho had pretty much pushed his daughter into riding the train over and over again in hopes that she would forget her fervent desire to see the “no floor,” otherwise known as the department store’s new observation deck, which jutted out from the building one floor below the roof, a sturdy glass section of the floor offering a view straight down to the street ten stories below. Sho had been afraid of heights since he was a kid, still was. The last time Satomi had taken Saya to “Fun Land,” she’d also turned the girl down. At this rate, with two cowardly parents, she was never going to experience her precious “no floor.”

“You know, I could take her,” Jun offered, although his heart was pounding as he said it. So far he’d only been around Saya with Sho beside him, and the girl was still shy, aside from wanting to touch his eyebrows, which she thought looked “fuzzy.”

Sho was surprised. “You’d do that?”

“Sure. If she really wants to go.”

Sho crouched down to Sayaka’s level. He did that a lot when he was addressing her properly, which Jun thought was rather cute. “Saya-chan, would you like it if Jun-san took you to the no floor?”

Saya looked up at Jun with a curious look in her face, scrunching up her nose before nodding her head. “That sounds doable!”

Sho laughed. “Where did you learn a phrase like that?”

Saya stared at him and Sho simply nodded, getting to his feet and looking at Jun. “I’ll go sit by one of those tables with the umbrellas,” he said, “you can’t pay me to go down there.”

Jun pulled his phone from his pocket, wiggling it. “I’ll get a picture for you.” He then mimicked Sho’s crouching move, Saya’s round little face giddy with excitement. “Ready?”

“Ready!”

“I’m a little scared about getting lost,” Jun said to her, “so maybe if you hold my hand there and back, it’ll help.”

“You’re a baby!” Saya teased him, and Jun gave her a little glare in return. She laughed, and Jun knew that things were looking up. 

Sho waved goodbye as Sayaka placed her tiny hand in Jun’s own and they headed for the elevator. He hadn’t been around kids a lot, but she’d just turned five so at least she was long past the poopy diaper stage. They queued up on the floor below, since they only let a few families and shoppers in at a time. He was a little nervous, walking with her. Sho was a whole floor away, and Jun had never really been responsible for a child before. But thankfully, just like her dad, Sayaka easily kept the conversation moving.

While they waited in the line, she told him about her birthday party a week earlier, bragging about her Olaf cake. She told him that she also liked the movie Brave now because of some princess in it named Merida who had “super huge hair” and could use a bow and arrow. “Papa says I can’t have a bow and arrow until I’m older. Maybe Jun-san can get me one instead.”

He tried not to laugh. “Then your Papa would be mad at me.”

“When Papa is mad, his face does this!” Saya stuck out her tongue and crossed her eyes. Not an entirely accurate assessment, but a pretty funny one.

“Yikes, I don’t want to be around him when he’s mad then, do I?”

“He got mad at me when I did laundry to his tie. I was just helping.”

“You tried to put his tie in the washing machine?”

“No, I washed it in the sink,” Saya replied, looking at Jun like he was a complete idiot. “I used soap too, but he was mad about it.”

“That’s too bad.”

“Mama said I shouldn’t do laundry to Papa’s clothes without asking him first. But anyway at home I get to hand her the clothespins to put things out to dry.” The line started to move a bit, and she tugged him along without hesitation. “It’s important, I get to do important things.”

“Probably because you’re very smart.”

Saya shrugged. “There’s a boy in my class and his name is Hiroshi. He’s smart, he can play chess.”

Somehow their talk circled back to Brave once more, Saya tugging on one of her crooked pigtails and sighing heavily about wanting “super huge hair” like Merida. By the time they were finally at the front of the queue, Jun felt fairly confident that Sakurai Sayaka had allowed him into her secret world. 

The store employee ushered them inside. It was smaller than Jun had thought, although the view of the Shinjuku skyscrapers looming above was rather neat. The floor was almost in a checkerboard formation, half of it glass panels looking down and the rest a solid floor covered in the same pale linoleum that covered the pathways of the entire department store.

They were halfway to the windows on the other side when Saya came to an abrupt stop, her small sneakers halting on top of one of the glass panels. For the first time, Jun realized, Saya had looked down. And before he could move her off, she let out a scream. “I don’t like it!”

Shit shit shit, Jun thought. They were going to get kicked out. He could already see a few annoyed faces as Saya shouted again. “I don’t like it! I don’t like it!”

“Saya, Saya,” Jun muttered, dropping to his knees and feeling a burst of pain shoot through him when he landed hard. He placed a hand over her face, covering her eyes. “Saya, close your eyes, it’s okay.”

“I’m gonna fall!” she complained. “I don’t like it!”

Jun looked around, feeling like everyone in the room was staring. With the howling noises she was making, they probably thought Jun was trying to kidnap her or something. “It’s okay, it’s okay,” he tried to reassure her, but she was pretty far beyond that.

“I don’t like it! I don’t like it, Jun-san, I don’t like it!”

Before it got any worse, Jun got to his feet and hoisted Saya up, feeling her wrap her arms tightly around his neck. He hurried out of the room with her in his arms, her voice muffled against his neck, repeatedly telling him how much she didn’t like it. By the time Jun had gotten her to the stairwell, managing to open the door with one hand and hold her against him with the other, she’d stopped saying anything and instead had started crying. He could feel wetness against his skin, her tears on his neck. Sho was going to be enraged. He’d fucked this up. He’d really fucked this up.

He ran with her up the stairs, this squirming little girl, holding her tight and whispering that she’d be back with her Papa soon. It wasn’t like Jun was that much of a comfort to her. They made it back to the roof, and despite the dirty look one mother gave him when he came flying around the corner, he got her back where she belonged.

Sho, as promised, was waiting for them at one of the tables, jumping to his feet when he saw Jun come running. Without a word, Jun handed her over, and Sho sat down with her in the chair under the red and white striped umbrella, letting her sit in his lap and wrap her arms around his middle, her head pressed against his chest as she let out her gulping sobs. Sho rocked her a little, hand on her head. “What’s wrong, baby, what’s wrong?”

“I didn’t like it,” she informed him, barely coherent.

“Aww, that’s okay. That’s okay.”

Sho looked up at him, and where Jun expected to see irritation, maybe even anger for returning his child in far worse spirits than when they’d left, he saw Sho grin. It seemed the Sakurai fear of heights had reached a new generation. Jun took a seat across from him at the table, not even realizing how badly his hands were trembling. He crossed his arms, just to keep from shaking.

“You’re okay now. You’re okay. Maybe you can do the no floor another day.”

“No way!” she shouted, and Sho chuckled. 

“You probably scared Jun-san half to death,” Sho told her. “But you’re okay, aren’t you?”

“I’m okay,” Saya decided, though she was still clinging to Sho like he might disappear.

Jun could only sit there, worried that he’d ruined the whole day. Once Saya had calmed down, with the special help of an ice cream cone that was almost more sprinkles than ice cream, the three of them rode the merry-go-round, Sho standing beside Saya on her horse that was “like Merida’s horse I think” and Jun on the one beside it. After that, it seemed they’d had enough of Fun Land.

—

Sho already had her backpack and her stuffed Olaf in the car, so they drove straight to the house in Kunitachi. By then Saya was singing along with the radio, her trauma easily forgotten, though Jun was probably going to hear her crying in his sleep for days. And he wasn’t even her father. All he’d known in that moment, picking her up and running, was that he needed to protect her. It wasn’t a feeling he’d experienced before, not like this.

He stayed in the car, unable to move as Sho cheerfully said goodbye for now, bringing Sayaka into the house and shutting the door. Jun took it all in from the driveway, the two-story tan house with lace curtains and a dark red front door Sho was still paying for. The house he’d bought with three bedrooms, anticipating a happy life, two kids someday, maybe a dog since there was a dog park just down the street that they’d driven past.

This was it, Jun realized. He wasn’t cut out for this, was he? He stared out the window at the pavement. Sayaka meant everything to Sho. Everything. If Jun couldn’t even handle her for half an hour, then what did that mean for the future? Their future? Would they always be separate? Would Sho have his life with her and his life with Jun? Was Jun’s existence forcing Sho to split himself, to inconvenience himself?

He jolted when there was a tap on the window, and he turned hurriedly to find a woman standing there in a green blouse and a long black skirt. He blinked a moment, noticing that Sho was nowhere in sight. He opened the car door in confusion. She was beautiful, not some glamorous Kiko-like model, but an old-fashioned kind of beauty. Her identity didn’t entirely surprise him when she leaned an elegant hand against the side of Sho’s car and smiled at him.

“You must be Matsumoto-san. I’m Satomi.” Her voice was light and airy.

He felt a little trapped, with the door cracked open and her mostly blocking him in. He ought to get up, he ought to stand up and greet her properly, but even as he leaned forward he couldn’t go far since he still had his seat belt on. “Hi. Nice to meet you,” he managed to say nervously.

For someone with a five year old, she still looked young and energetic. It was difficult to imagine her as Sho had spoken of her that one night, his young bride, pregnant and alone, probably quite aware that her husband didn’t want her the way she’d probably hoped. “I heard all about Fun Land,” she said in that frothy confection of a voice.

“I’m so, so sorry…”

“What?” she gasped, bringing her hand to her mouth. “What’s wrong?”

“Saya-chan…she was really upset. I’m sorry.”

“Oh, she’s such a crybaby. I’m sure you didn’t do anything wrong, since you brought her home in one piece.” Satomi bowed her head to him in thanks before leaning in closer. “She’s spoiled rotten by you-know-who.”

Satomi yelped when a set of familiar hands clamped down on her shoulders. Then Sho was tugging her away from the car with a silly smile. “Why are you bothering him?” Sho complained.

The top of her head came just about to Sho’s nose, and she looked up at him with a mock-stern expression. “I was going to invite him to dinner, but then you had to come messing around.”

“She’s with the cat. She’s trying to put that collar on her, that jingly one, but Elsa won’t stay still, so that’ll keep her busy for the next three days,” Sho said, apparently to explain why he’d felt fine in leaving their child alone in the house.

“Ah, not the jingly one,” Satomi grumbled, clasping her hands almost in prayer. “Not that thing again.”

“Just wait until she goes to bed. Then grab the cat and take it off again. You can throw things away, you know. I have every confidence in your ability to operate a garbage can.”

Satomi’s jaw dropped. “My mother bought that collar!”

“Your mother’s not the one who has to hear the jingling at 2:00 in the morning.”

“Ahhhh, stop it. Don’t bring logic into this.”

“Someone has to! I got forty or fifty whiny texts from you last time there was a jingly collar problem. Half my phone bill was you complaining about a completely solveable problem.” 

Satomi ignored him, looking back at the house. “You shut the door?”

“I shut the door.”

“You lock me out?”

Sho rolled his eyes. “I didn’t lock you out.”

Jun felt a little awkward, stuck in the car with the two of them playfully bickering in front of him. Sho was completely at ease with her, ex-wife or no, and try as he did to ignore it, Jun wanted to shout “I don’t like it” in the style of Sakurai Sayaka. Not because he disliked Satomi (he didn’t), but because in that moment he greatly disliked himself, for not just being awful at looking after Sho’s kid, but for not fully grasping until now that there was this whole other aspect to Sho’s life he hardly got to see. This whole other Sho he never got to see. The house, the beautiful wife, the adorable child. Everything that, on paper, might have been the definition of the perfect life.

“Can I invite him now?”

Sho gestured to the car, a “please go right ahead” gesture, as he left Satomi behind to come around to the driver’s seat. 

Jun was finally acknowledged once more, Satomi leaning down, long black hair framing her face. “Sho-kun will find a time that works for both of you. Since he’s home for a while, it would be really nice if you could come by. I’d like to get to know you, if that’s alright. And it’s for Saya, too.”

“Sure,” Jun said, because there was really no reason to say no.

“Then I look forward to next time.” She cheerfully thumped the roof of the car with her fist.

—

When Sho parked the car and made to get out, Jun grabbed hold of his wrist. “I just want to apologize to you. For today.”

Sho looked confused, turning a little in his seat to look at him properly. “What’s wrong?”

“What’s wrong?” Jun scoffed. “Sho-kun, are you being serious?”

Sho’s eyebrows lifted. “Huh?”

“Basically I’m trying to tell you that if you’d rather I not spend any time with Saya-chan from here on out, I’ll understand.”

“Whoa, what are you talking about?”

“I traumatized her!” Sho laughed, and it just made Jun angry. “This isn’t funny. She was so upset, and it’s my fault. I’m not used to kids, I’m sorry, Sho-kun. I’m really sorry. You trusted me and…”

Sho moved, leaning over to rest his hand soothingly on the back of his neck. “Stop.” He pressed a kiss to Jun’s temple. “Stop, stop.”

Without another word, Sho released him and got out of the car. Jun followed him through the garage, into the elevator. When they got into Sho’s apartment, he was surprised when Sho turned around and hugged him, holding him so tight he could barely breathe. Hugging, it wasn’t exactly something they’d done before, and Jun barely knew how to react. Soon Sho was kissing him, gentle and kind little pecks to his cheek, his lips.

Finally he stepped back, though he didn’t let go. “Jun,” he said with a seriousness to his tone that made Jun pay attention. Mostly because it was the first time Sho had called him by just his first name. “You didn’t do anything wrong with Saya. You didn’t.”

He rolled his eyes, only because he felt like crying and didn’t really feel like doing so in Sho’s genkan. Sho gave him a little shake.

“I do trust you with her. I don’t trust easily, but I trust you. And with the way you keep apologizing, it tells me that you care about her more than you realize. You have no idea how happy that makes me. Being a parent is scary, alright, but there are some days when your kid is going to have a stupid breakdown at a department store and you just have to let her cry it out. You haven’t scarred her for life, it’s fine.”

He still couldn’t meet Sho’s eyes. “I don’t want to screw this up. Being with you means being with her, too.”

“Jun,” he said again, sending a pleasurable shiver down his spine. “I’m just as serious about you. Do you know that?”

He wiped his eyes, shrugging, hearing Sho’s gentle laugh. 

“You’re having a bigger tantrum than Saya. It’s not a competition, okay?” 

Before Jun could toughen up, offer another flippant response, Sho pushed him until he had his back to the wall. It felt different this time when Sho kissed him. Because Sho had pretty much just told him, without really saying it, that what they had was going to last. Maybe Sho was falling in love with him. If Jun had to be completely honest, he’d been falling in love with Sho since the night he’d had him over to his apartment, that dinner that changed everything. It wasn’t the one-sided, impossible crush of his teen years. This was something more, something that meant more to him with each passing day.

Sho stopped them as soon as Jun reached for his belt. “Wait, hold on.”

“You don’t want to…” Jun flushed a little. “Sorry, I…”

“No, no,” Sho said, looking nervous. His shy little smirk in that moment would have won Jun over in an instant if Sho hadn’t already won him over years and years ago. “I have a confession to make.”

“What?”

“I kind of bought something from Nino’s store.”

Jun perked up considerably. Finally, some answers.

“And since you were staying over tonight, I thought maybe we could…give it a try.”

Jun stroked his fingers up and down Sho’s neck, his earlier frustrations slipping away now that Sho had forgiven and forgotten Jun’s babysitting disaster earlier that day. “Depends on what it is.”

“Come on, I’ll show you.”

Sho’s fingers slipped around his wrist, and he obediently let Sho escort him to his bedroom. It was considerably neater, on account of it being a day for Saya to tidy her room. Sho had no excuse for hypocritical behavior. Sho’s room was about equal in size to Saya’s but obviously with a much bigger bed and a display case on his dresser for the fancy watches he liked to buy himself with his Section Chief salary. 

Sho had a box up on a shelf in his closet, out of Saya’s reach if she’d gotten curious and started exploring his room. He pulled it down, and Jun couldn’t help but smile at the familiar looking SK Enterprises packing label he’d seen so many times over the years.

“It’s nothing much,” Sho admitted, “and it’s really up to you.”

“Sho-kun, there’s nothing in that box that will surprise me.”

Sho looked a little jealous in that moment, nodding dismissively. Jun kind of liked when he was jealous. He made the cutest faces. Finally Sho reached inside the box, unearthing something that Jun hadn’t really expected. It was just a bottle of lube.

Sho held it in his hand, looking at him with what seemed like hope in his eyes. “I know, I know. But um, the reason I bought this was because the website said that it was the number one seller for uh…for…”

Jun took the bottle from him, snickering when he remembered the label. “Ah, the number one seller for ‘backdoor action,’ isn’t it?”

Sho turned a bit pink. “That’s what it said, yeah. I figured that was a good sign.”

“I’ve watched Nino write those product pages for years, he can’t shock me any more.” He handed the bottle back. “What would you like to do with it?”

He waited patiently for an answer as Sho considered what to say. Although Jun’s idea of “patience” involved taking off his shirt, Sho’s eyes on his every movement. By the time Jun had moved on to unzipping his jeans, he realized Sho was stalling. Though Sho was eager and a fairly quick study with everything they’d tried together, Jun had a feeling Sho had never done this sort of thing before. He decided to be generous.

“Did you want to fuck me, Sho-kun?”

Sho nearly dropped the bottle, catching it before it fell from his hand. His only reply was a nod, as though confirming it aloud might somehow spoil things. Jun decided to taunt him a little, slowly pulling off his jeans and stepping into Sho’s space in only his underwear, bringing his teeth to Sho’s earlobe and biting down gently. He let out a nervous shudder that encouraged Jun all the more.

“You’re in luck,” he whispered into Sho’s ear. “I’ve wanted you to fuck me for a very long time.”

They took turns showering, if only because they’d never make it out if they went in together. Jun toweled off, rejoining Sho in his room. Sho had spent his time alone getting things ready with all his usual Sakurai Sho thoroughness, Jun spying a box of condoms resting neatly next to the bottle of lube, some tissue, and a damp washcloth on his nightstand. He’d laid a bath towel down on his bed and had stripped off his blankets, leaving only the fitted sheet and two pillows. He found Sho, hair damp from his own shower and slicked back, sitting on the edge of the bed tapping out a nervous rhythm on his thighs.

“I’ve done this before,” Jun said, “and as far as my advice to you goes, just take your time and relax. If you’re relaxed, I’m relaxed and that goes a very long way.”

“Have you…” Sho looked up, a rather sharp edge to his voice. “Have you and Nino ever…?”

“Usually I was the one doing the fucking, if that’s what you’re asking.”

“I see.”

Jun reached out, grabbing Sho’s chin. “But with you I’d do just about anything. And I’d let you do just about anything you wanted to me.”

“Is that a fact?” Sho replied. He’d probably been aiming for a sexier tone of voice, but it came out a little high-pitched, awkward. “I’ll remember you said that. I’ll remember it well, because you’ll totally deny it the next time I bring it up.”

“What you need to do is stop sitting there like a lump because if you’re as good as I’m expecting you to be, I’d like to get started.”

Sho needed little further prompting, so Jun went right ahead and loosened the towel he’d tied at his waist, hearing Sho suck in a breath of appreciation when he let it drop to the floor. He pulled Sho back onto the bed with him, thrilled this was finally going to happen. After the day he had, the fear and the anxiety, the thought of Sho inside him was exactly what he needed. He lay on his back, letting Sho curl up at his side, kissing him, encouraging him.

Sho watched with incredible interest as Jun opened the lube bottle, coating his fingers and readying himself, telling Sho to watch. Since things with Ohno and Nino had been perpetually unchanging, his body mostly had to learn all over again. By the time Jun was slowly easing the tip of his finger into himself, he couldn’t help biting down on his lip, sighing. Sho kept watching, absent-mindedly stroking his cock a few times. “Can I…?” Sho eventually asked, and soon Jun was telling Sho what to do, letting Sho learn just how much he liked to be touched this way.

Soon Sho was fucking him with one of his fingers, then two, learning just how to move them and get a positive reaction. Jun had one pillow under him for support and eventually one over his face to muffle his moans, feeling Sho’s fingers withdraw and sink back in a slick and easy rhythm. “Matsujun, just tell me when.”

“When,” Jun was laughing by the time Sho had boldly quickened his pace, the angle just right and sending sparks of pleasurable heat through his whole body. “When when when!”

It took a moment for Sho to roll a condom on, but then he was back. “Facing you?” he asked for confirmation.

“I want you to kiss me, that’s why.” He found Sho’s arm, wrapping his fingers around tight. “We can take our time working toward the day when you can just bend me over a table and fuck me while you’re reading your morning newspaper.”

Sho let out a quiet gasp of protest, leaning forward to shut him up with a hard kiss that left him seeing stars. It took a little maneuvering, a few more directions from him and a few more apologies from Sho, but Jun shut his eyes and moaned when he felt the head of Sho’s cock pushing against him. Despite being so hard and needy, Sho entered him slowly, a few shallow thrusts that made Jun’s fingers curl up against the sheets.

They were so close, closer still as Jun adjusted to the full, perfect feeling of Sho moving inside him. Sho’s breaths were heavy, hot against his neck, Jun feeling each damp press of his lips against his skin. “I’m not hurting you, am I?” Sho murmured, and Jun told him he wasn’t, shutting him up by grabbing him, tugging him by the hair and kissing him. 

Once he was more comfortable, he encouraged Sho by squeezing his arms, scratching his nails experimentally down his back, but not enough to hurt. “God, Matsujun,” Sho was moaning, and Jun knew he wasn’t going to last much longer, the sheer thrill of doing this for the first time together bringing him to the edge fast. He decided a little torture was in order, just to add to his own enjoyment.

“Just imagine,” he said as Sho rocked against him, his movements less controlled with each passing second. “Imagine coming into your office one morning and I’m waiting for you like this, waiting for you to fuck me.”

“No, don’t talk, why are you talking?”

He grinned, feeling Sho retaliate with a rather sharp snap of his hips against him that made Jun cry out in shock. He let Sho fuck him a while longer, eyes shut tight and loving it, before he got back to work messing with him. “You’d be wearing…well, you’d be wearing more than I would, hell, you wouldn’t do anything but drop your pants and fuck me without even loosening your tie.”

“Jun, why are you…”

“You’d fuck me so hard, it would knock half the shit off your desk and…”

Sho finally had enough, putting his hand over Jun’s mouth in protest and letting out a cry of pleasure that made Jun want to laugh. He slowed down, moving against Jun a few more times as he rode it out, the look on his face a strange mix of extremely pleased and kind of annoyed. The Sho-kun that Jun was fairly certain he loved.

Sho moved his hand, only to give Jun’s cheek a little smack that he liked way more than he expected. “You’re terrible.”

“Oh, I know,” he admitted, hoping that the happy, sweaty glow he saw in Sho’s face was reflected in his own. “And besides, if anyone ought to be fucked against your desk, it’s you.” He sighed, feeling Sho gently withdraw from him. 

Sho was laughing now, rolling onto his back beside him. “I’ve always loved your ambition, Matsujun. Let’s do it. All of it. All the things you want.”

He couldn’t help repeating the words Sho had said earlier. “I’ll remember you said that.”


	5. Chapter 5

His shining moment was finally here. Aiba Masaki, Tokyo veterinarian, was having lunch with Mizuhara Kiko, world-famous model. Jun may as well have been somewhere else that day, for all that they were including him in their conversation. Aiba had been a fan for a long time, and even his girlfriend had granted her approval (provided she received an autograph). Schedules had just never matched up before, but today was Aiba’s day. Jun didn’t like using his connection with Kiko to score points with other people, but he supposed Aiba didn’t really count.

Kiko was completely charmed by him, asking to see photos of Aiba’s “patients” and then squealing in delight as he pulled out his phone and started showing her the cats and dogs he helped. In exchange, Kiko informed him that her mother had just adopted a labradoodle, whatever that was, and promised Aiba that she would tell her mother to choose Shimura Animal Hospital for the dog’s check-ups.

The pair of them spent almost the entire time talking about dogs, from the cutest breeds to which had the smelliest farts, leaving Jun feeling like an unwanted middleman. Soon after dessert, Aiba and Kiko were taking pictures together with his phone, and he finally felt the need to intervene. “I may not be your manager anymore, but I wouldn’t trust him not to put that online.”

“Hey!” Aiba protested, “I can totally be trusted!”

“And we’re just sticking our tongues out at the camera,” Kiko continued. “Besides, my agency could sue him for posting things without my permission.”

“Right?” Aiba said. “Like I want to get sued!”

Jun rolled his eyes, laughing at the pair of them. Soon enough Aiba was having Kiko record a message, saying hello to his girlfriend Asami and talking complete nonsense. “Hey, hey, Kiko-chan, can you do any impressions? Asami would die!” “Oh, I’d love to!” “Can I show you my impressions too?” “Sure!”

Jun slapped his credit card down for the waiter to take, knowing he’d made a real mistake, helping these two weirdos become buddies. Finally, they were wrapping things up, and Kiko clasped her hands together, looking at Aiba with shiny eyes.

“Aiba-sensei, I owe you a great deal of thanks for helping my Nii-san.”

Aiba blushed, waving his hand. “Oh, it was no trouble at all. He was a great help to us…”

Kiko, upon finding out that Jun’s previous job had been where Aiba worked, was still mad at him for not telling her when she could have been sneaking over to visit the pets that owners had boarding there while they went on vacation. “Nii-san is the best, isn’t he?”

Aiba wrapped an arm around Jun, shaking him in a way that he had to know would annoy him. “He helped me meet you!”

“So that’s why I thought I owed it to Nii-san to help him in return.” Jun, confused, turned to see Kiko watching him with a surprising seriousness. “I’ve been talking with some people I trust. In the industry, I mean, and there’s a position that hasn’t been officially announced yet because I’ve arranged it so they meet you first.”

He narrowed his eyes. “What position? What are you talking about?”

“It’s nothing like Sweet Apple,” Kiko said hurriedly. “The agency has only been around a few years, but they’ve got this sort of AKB rival group that’s about to debut, and they’re looking for people with expertise managing younger, impulsive stars. Teen girls in a nutshell, right? Well, I told them that you got a hold of me when I was nineteen and stupid and whipped me into shape, so who better?”

Jun’s heart was racing. “Kiko-chan, hold on…”

She reached forward, squeezing his hand with hope in her eyes. “Nii-san, they know about Sweet Apple. They know and believe that you did nothing wrong. They want to meet you. They think you’d be great, and I know it would make you happy. It would annoy the hell out of you, but I think that’s what you liked about it.”

A job? In the industry again? The blacklisting that had kept him unhappy for months vanishing because Kiko had gone above and beyond to vouch for him? The fast-paced world full of highs and lows that had been such a part of his life since he was a kid? 

“That sounds awesome!” Aiba cheered. “What’s the agency?” 

Kiko looked so thrilled, Jun couldn’t help but be drawn in. “They’re called Rainbow Star, and they’re based in Fukuoka.”

—

When he’d told Sho that it was fine to leave a few changes of clothes at his apartment, Jun wished he could have been more specific. Because it wasn’t exactly enticing to sit beside Sho on his couch watching TV, Sho with a bowl of ice cream in hand and wearing a neon pink “Sakurai Medical Supply Company Picnic 2012” t-shirt with a pair of threadbare sweatpants. The same Sho who wore designer label suits and TAG Heuer watches could look like this. Now that things between them had grown comfortable, now that concepts like closet space or the spare drawer had come into play, Sho had decided to let Jun find out how much of a slack-off he could be.

“This city in Aomori Prefecture is home to a one quarter scale replica of the Statue of Liberty.”

Sho gestured to the TV with his spoon, droplets of ice cream falling back into his bowl. “Oirase!”

After a few seconds, a contestant on the quiz show rang in, and the host called on him. “It’s Oirase!”

“That’s correct!” the host announced, the audience cheering.

Sho nodded his head, proud of himself.

“How the hell did you know that?” Jun asked.

Sho shoved another spoonful of chocolate swirl past his lips, letting the spoon linger for a moment. “I’ve been there.”

“Why?”

He shrugged. “I was up in Hachinohe for business once. Took in some local color.”

“You’re weird.”

Sho turned, grinning. “I think you like that about me.”

He stuck out his finger, poking at the corner of Sho’s lip where a smear of chocolate lingered. He stuck his finger in his mouth and gave it a suck. “Go clean yourself up. I want to go to bed.”

Sho scowled. “It’s only 9:30 and the show’s not over and…” His eyebrows lifted the slightest bit. “Ah, you don’t mean sleep, do you?”

Jun gave him a little smack on the back of the head. “Keio University will give a degree to anyone, it seems.”

Sho laughed. “You’re in a mood, aren’t you? Alright, alright, let me at least finish my ice cream.”

Jun really was in a mood. A bad one. A nervous one. A frightened one. He’d left his lunch with Aiba and Kiko almost in a daze, hearing “Fukuoka” over and over again. The perfect job, a job where they sounded like they really wanted him, but at the other end of the country. He hadn’t mentioned it to Sho yet, mostly because he didn’t know what to do.

His immediate thought, as soon as Kiko had said Fukuoka, had been to dismiss the opportunity. He had a new job and he actually did like it quite a bit. And obviously, a job in Fukuoka couldn’t compare to a life with Sho in Tokyo, sweatpants not withstanding. But then he’d thought about it more, hours of pros and cons, his mind getting more active than his heart, wondering if he was really going to pass up the chance.

What would they pay him? What would his responsibilities entail? And would he hate himself later if he turned it down without even finding out the answers to these questions? Work, Sho, work, Sho. What was he supposed to do? And Kiko-chan had probably been talking with these people for ages, telling them how eager he’d be to rejoin the industry. Rejecting it outright would hurt her feelings and maybe worse, they’d look down on her for talking Jun up so much but not delivering on it.

By the time they’d washed up, brushed their teeth, Sho coming into the bedroom in his ugly clothes, Jun had an idea. Something that he felt he needed, something he’d wanted for ages and could never articulate. He looked Sho in the eye, stopping him before Sho could even kiss him. They stood next to the bed, Sho in his fashion emergency attire and Jun in the boxer briefs he wore to bed because Sho said they hugged his butt best.

“Spank me.”

Sho was startled. “Wait…what?”

“You heard me,” he continued. “Spank me.”

He was keeping the job from Sho. By now, after this many months, it should have been automatic. He should have gotten home that night and immediately said “Sho-kun, we should talk” and yet here he was, worrying about it all alone, confused over what he ought to do. Taking the job would put him back in the glamorous life, would probably pay better than his admin position, could be a stepping stone into a larger agency later on once he’d gotten established again. 

But being so far from Sho, when they were getting closer and closer with each passing day…it would hurt. Jun was absolutely certain it would be worse than reliving that night in the park over and over, Sho telling him days later that things between them were an impossible fantasy. How could he even consider walking away from what they had together, reconnecting after so many years apart? As each minute ticked by, each minute where he didn’t tell Sho what was bothering him, Jun was overwhelmed with the need for release. Not the simple reward of Sho’s lips around his cock, not the thought of Sho sitting in his lap riding him until they both collapsed in a heap of sweaty limbs. 

He couldn’t tell Sho about the job, not yet, not until he thought it through more carefully. And because he was making that choice and making it alone, he knew he was doing something he shouldn’t. How that had turned into wanting to be spanked was just one of those things Jun accepted about himself. After so many years doling out “punishments,” whether with Nino or Ohno, he never got to see it from the other side. The thought of Sho doing something like that to him, Sho in complete and utter control, Sho punishing him and not even knowing the cause…

“I don’t want to hit you,” Sho said quietly.

He smiled gently. “It’s not like that. Don’t think about it like that. I want you to do it.”

“Matsujun,” Sho continued, bringing his hand to his face. “But what if I hurt you?”

“Then I’ll say a word that will tell you to stop. And unless you hear it, you keep going.” Despite his guilty feelings, he met Sho’s eyes straight on. If he looked shifty or unsure, then he definitely couldn’t ask this of him. “You keep going.”

“You’re absolutely sure?”

He squeezed Sho’s hand. “I’m absolutely sure. You may find that you enjoy it.” He remembered the grumpy Sho of his teen years. Surely he could draw on that old well of arrogance again.

Settling on “Oirase” as the word of choice, Jun let Sho do things at his own pace. He let Sho kiss him for a short while, sensing that Sho was trying to put himself in the right mindset. Jun eventually pulled off his underwear, baring himself completely, and that went a long way to getting Sho interested. “Just spanking or…?”

“Up to you. Sho-kun, it’s up to you. Because you know I’d never turn down sex with you.”

The more control he placed into Sho’s hands, the more confidence it was giving him. “Alright,” Sho said. “Then…then get on your hands and knees. Now.”

He grinned, doing just as he was ordered. Sho’s growing erection was noticeable through his horrible sweats as he walked around the bed, taking in the sight of Jun there at his mercy, waiting for him to act. Sho teased him, standing by the side of the bed and dragging his fingers across his skin, exploiting Jun’s sensitivity, his ticklishness. He bit down hard on his lip as Sho touched him. Across his shoulder blades, down his spine, squeezing his ass. 

“You’ve been naughty lately, haven’t you Matsujun?”

Jun held back a laugh. It was true wasn’t it, whether Sho knew it or not. “Yeah.”

The palm of Sho’s hand was on his ass, patting experimentally, light and tentative. “What’s that? I can’t hear when you’re mumbling.”

“Yes. I’ve been naughty.”

The sudden crack of Sho’s palm against his ass made him cry out in surprise. Sho was all in.

“Shouldn’t you apologize?”

“I’m sorry.”

The next strike came even faster, even harder, and he moaned. For all his hesitation, Sho was really fucking good at this. Was this what Ohno felt, when Jun had spanked him? The painful pleasure of it, reveling in it, relishing it? For some reason wanting more?

“Apologize properly.”

“I’m sorry, Sho-kun.”

Another smack, so hard he heard Sho let out a quiet hiss of pain. But then his voice was all business again. “Sorry for what?”

“I’m sorry for being naughty.”

Sho got onto the bed, making Jun groan when he slipped his fingers between the cleft of his ass. “You should see what you look like right now. You’re shaking. The tough and stoic Matsumoto Jun.”

He was, but that was because he didn’t know what Sho would do next. Normally that uncertainty might be frightening, but he trusted Sho. He knew that Sho was being careful. When Sho teased a finger around his hole, he couldn’t help pushing his ass back, wanting him there.

The finger disappeared, and he earned himself another hit, this time to his other ass cheek. Sho was equal opportunity. “You think I’m that easy?” Sho said, and the longer Sho dragged it out, the huskier his voice got, sending ripples of pleasure through Jun each time he spoke. Sho smacked his ass again. “You think I’ll just fuck you and forget your punishment?”

Sho eventually switched hands, and Jun’s cock swelled more with each carefully targeted blow, hanging heavily between his legs and demanding release. Sho yanked his hair, pulling his head back. “I want you to count to five.”

“One…”

Sho punctuated Jun’s words with another smack, enough to make him groan, his arms shaking as he continued to hold himself up. “When you get to five, we’ll see what happens.”

“Two…”

From two to three to four, Jun cried out with each subsequent smack. But there was no way he was going to be screaming “Oirase.” 

“Fuck me!” was Jun’s response to the blow Sho gave him upon reaching five. He almost collapsed onto the mattress, halfway between laughing and crying. Then Sho was moving, reaching for a condom and lube from Jun’s nightstand.

“This isn’t over,” Sho was saying, although it seemed to be taking everything he had to keep his voice steady as he slipped a finger inside him and soon it was two. Jun moaned, desperate to be fucked, knowing he probably had Sho’s palm prints on his ass marking him. Sho’s slickened fingers worked within him, fast and needy, the heel of his palm thudding against Jun’s sore skin with each little thrust. He wanted to come, so badly, but he figured it would be rude to give in to his own pleasure first. Instead of asking if he was ready, Jun just felt Sho’s fingers withdraw, heard him tearing open the condom wrapper.

He felt the warm press of Sho’s hand to the small of his back. Jun nodded, giving his permission, his reassurance. Then the indifferent, commanding demeanor returned. “You’re gonna take it. You’re gonna take everything I give you.”

“Yes. Please.”

Sho gave him another smack, but not as hard as earlier. “The phrase I’m looking for is actually ‘Sho-san, I want you to fuck me in the ass.’”

“Sho-kun…” Jun said deliberately, hiding a smile and earning himself another smack. “Sho- _san_ , I want you to fuck me in the ass.”

Clearly the whole situation had turned Sho on like crazy because there was no hesitation. It felt so damn good, even with his skin throbbing, with the demanding push of Sho’s thick cock into his hole. This was the first time, Jun realized, that they weren’t facing each other, and yet he knew Sho was there. He could feel Sho, he could smell Sho, the sweaty neediness of him mingled with Jun’s own sweat.

Sho was behind him, burying himself deep and letting out grunts of pleasure that made Jun cry out, beg for more. Sho had him by the hips, pulling Jun back against him, each thrust more powerful than the ones before it.

“I’ve been so bad, Sho-san, I’m sorry.”

Sho moaned, his fingers digging into Jun’s skin. Eventually Sho was too far gone to maintain his persona, letting out whispers of nothing but “fuck, fuck, fuck” before nearly knocking Jun over, coming with a husky, wordless cry. When Sho pulled out he didn’t go far.

“I want you to come all over yourself,” Sho said. “Do it.”

Before he could turn over, to get on his back and touch himself, he felt another crack of Sho’s hand against his ass and he gasped. 

“You don’t get to fucking choose how to do it. Get off like this.”

He moaned a little, still on his hands and knees, instead having to lean forward, putting his weight onto one arm and almost mashing his face against the mattress. It had the added effect of making him stick his ass up, which he figured was Sho’s intention. He awkwardly got his hand between his legs, slicking himself down with pre-come. He was filthy, smelling like sweat mixed with the latex from Sho’s condom, lube dripping from him. 

He jerked himself hard, gasping Sho’s name. He was almost drooling against the sheets, feeling a few more helpful smacks of Sho’s palm. Then Sho’s fingers were slipping back into him easily, fucking him relentlessly, right there, right there, two fingers, three, teasing and stroking his prostate until he fell apart, not caring a bit as spurts of come hit the sheets, coated his fingers and abdomen.

He turned onto his side, breathing heavily, limbs shaking for a few moments. Sho had never made him come like this before. He saw Sho watching him, odd understanding in his eyes.

“Sho-kun?”

His smile was a bit sad as he wiped himself down with a washcloth. “I heard about your lunch from Aiba-sensei. He’d been bragging about it on email this afternoon and he told me…other things.”

Jun panicked, unable to speak. This entire time? This entire time Sho had…

“You have to take the interview, okay?” He nodded firmly. “I’m not mad at you.”

He shook his head. “Why didn’t you…?”

Sho shook his head. “…say anything? I figured you would tell me eventually. I trust you, Matsujun. And I know you, I know how you think, so I knew you had your reasons for not saying anything tonight. But then you went and asked me to spank you, out of nowhere I might add, so I had a pretty good idea what you were upset about.”

“Sho-kun…” He didn’t deserve him.

“We’ll talk later. Right now we should probably wash these sheets.” Sho grinned. “You’re a fucking mess.”

—

Sho used his frequent flyer status to get them two tickets to Fukuoka on a Saturday morning, since the agency had been understanding enough to let Jun come by on a weekend. It had been an intense flight, Jun wondering why Sho was doing all this for him. Why Sho would go to all this trouble to get him to an interview for a job that would pretty much mean they’d have to go long-distance or, more likely, that they’d just have to split up.

If Sho was upset or nervous, he was hiding it well as they left the airport, as they took a cab to the offices of Rainbow Star Associates. Sho had said to call him when he was done, that he had a few places he wanted to check and get some Hakata ramen, that he’d go to the place with the longest line so that he’d probably be wrapping things up at the same time as Jun’s interview.

Jun sat in the reception area, tapping his foot. The office was full of professional headshots, each labeled with the name of one of the teen girls who’d soon be debuting with Star-Girls, their new group. He’d looked at all of them already - Mayumi, age 16. Rena, age 15. Satsuki, age 17. Jun remembered how it had felt at Johnny’s when a debut was expected. Rumors about who it would be, how many members the group would have. Would it be the most popular kids? The ones who danced best? Sang best? Friends would vow to quit together if one debuted and the other didn’t, though he’d seen his share of broken promises.

For the longest time, Jun had wanted to debut with Sho. Dancing in Johnny’s, it was fun, but a debut meant something long-lasting. Instead of dancing and singing at Sho’s side every other show, wearing oversized reject costumes from the juniors bin together as they danced behind their seniors, being in their own group meant that they’d always work together. That they could be introduced together. That the songs they released were only possible because of both of them. He’d been such a dreamer, imagining that together with whoever else was put in their group, they could plan the best concert Japan had ever seen. Maybe the world.

Once Sho had left, once Sho had vanished from Jun’s life, debut seemed like a more frightening concept. The fans would see his face plastered on billboards. They’d follow him everywhere. And Jun, he definitely couldn’t be open about liking guys. All of those things would have been true had it been him and Sho, but somehow, it would have worked. He’d been so sure of it.

Jun had loved being in entertainment, smiling and performing. He loved singing, even if his voice was somewhere between mediocre and severely lacking. He loved dancing, even though other kids were better. He didn’t have any special skills to bring to the table - songwriting or the ability to play an instrument. But he’d still been lucky, chosen when so many others had been rejected. But when he’d quit, he’d felt…relieved.

As he reminisced, as he peeled back the years, he wondered if Mayumi and Rena and Satsuki and the others loved what they did, as Rainbow Star trainees. What skills did they have? Did they actually want to debut or did they prefer staying out of the spotlight? And then Jun had a sobering thought. Were any of these girls desperate to debut with a friend? What would happen if they debuted and their friend didn’t? What would happen if their friend just up and quit?

Because Jun knew what that pain felt like. But he also knew that a manager couldn’t be overly sympathetic. A manager could only do his job, shuttling her from job to job, keeping her schedule, making sure she remembered to smile no matter what she was feeling. Because she was in entertainment. She had a role to play in making the fans happy. She had to save her tears for her own private time, which would certainly dwindle if she debuted in the first place.

Sitting there, imagining telling Mayumi or Rena or Satsuki, a high school girl, to just suck it up and keep going, to dance and sing and smile, he realized that he didn’t want to do it. Kiko had always been independent, had always pushed back a little. These girls could be replaced, and they probably knew it. Rainbow Star was probably not like Sweet Apple, but at the end of the day, the reason they debuted groups was to make money. 

He was escorted into the interview room and spent nearly two hours speaking with a handful of executives. He went over his experience, they told him what they expected. Sweet Apple and Kiko and the drugs came up, but they were curious rather than judgmental. He went through the motions, offering good answers but not great ones. He was friendly and charming as he could be, but the longer he sat there, listening to their pens scratching paper, he wanted what he’d always wanted.

He’d wanted to debut, but he’d wanted to debut with Sho. He wanted a job he loved, but he probably wouldn’t love this one and to convince himself otherwise would be delusional. Sakurai Medical Supply wasn’t very interesting, but he was respected. He was treated well, and he was challenged. He was luckier than most on top of that. He technically worked with Sho. Sure, they weren’t dropping singles and music videos, but they were part of a big “group.” Together.

Sitting there, imagining Sho across town slurping noodles and getting broth splatters on his t-shirt, Jun realized that it was impossible. 

It was impossible to be without him.

He barely registered the interviewers telling him they’d call him soon, leaving the offices in a daze. Was it too soon to feel this way? No, his gut was telling him what he wanted and he’d always trusted it. He told Sho to meet him at the hotel they’d booked for the night, taking a taxi instead of waiting for the train so he could get there faster.

Sho was already in the room, and when Jun walked in, setting down his case, he saw that Sho had arranged three different take-away bowls on the desk for him covered in plastic wrap. “Um, so I only went to one ramen place and had the rest of these delivered so we could try them together instead. Some of them might be cold. But they all had really good reviews on Yelp so if you’re hungry…”

Without a moment’s hesitation, Jun walked up and nearly knocked Sho over with the force of his kiss, steadying him with a possessive hand to the small of his back. He kissed Sho with everything he had, everything he’d always had. A gap of fifteen years, it was nothing when something was this right, this necessary.

“Wow,” Sho mumbled nervously. “That hungry, huh, Matsujun? You’re welcome. Okay, this first one is a shoyu ramen from a place called…”

Jun startled him, taking his face between his hands. “Look at me.”

Sho did so, looking terrified. “What? What happened?”

He let Sho go, hearing him gasp when he unbuttoned his suit jacket and tore off the first button he got his fingers on. He held it out, knowing he looked like a lunatic. Not to mention the horror his tailor would feel when he brought it in for mending. But sometimes he got a little too theatrical.

“If you take it,” he said, voice shaky, “then I won’t take the job here.”

“Matsujun,” Sho murmured.

He pressed the button against Sho’s chest, against his heart, holding it there with two fingers. “I love you. I need you to know that I love you.”

Sho’s eyes widened. “This job, I can’t make this choice for you.”

“You’re the only choice. Sho-kun, you’re the only choice for me. But I need to know if you feel the same way.”

Sho looked down, at Jun’s fingers holding the button there. Jun thought he saw a bashful smile cross his face. “You’re so dramatic.”

“That’s not an answer.”

“‘You’re the only choice, Sho-kun,’” Sho parroted back to him. “That’s a lot to take in, you know, I thought…I thought we would just eat and fool around tonight, that all the momentous decision-making could come once these people called you back…”

“Sho-kun, they could offer me my own agency and I won’t take it if I can’t be with you.”

Sho moved his hand, closing it around Jun’s and squeezing firmly. Their eyes met again, and he was surprised to see tears in Sho’s. Now who was dramatic? When Sho moved forward, kissing him, he felt his fingers slip through and take the button from him. Sho leaned his forehead against his, exhaling heavily.

“You’re the only choice for me, too,” Sho admitted. “By the way, this is going to be the most awkward ramen eating experience of my life now.”

The tension broke, and Jun laughed, bending over and resting his hand on the bed, relieved. Sho rubbed his back affectionately.

“You’re so cute,” Sho told him, giving the button in his hand a little kiss. “It’s what I’ve always loved about you.”

And with that, Jun knew he’d made the right decision.

—

“I thought it would be different,” Sho said, looking around the living room while he held his glass of beer in his hand.

“What, you thought there would be fuzzy handcuffs under track lighting and foot-long dildos suction-cupped to the wall?” Nino snickered, pouring beer into Jun’s glass.

Sho was mortified. “No, no, I just meant…” He inclined his head. “Okay, maybe I did have some weird expectations.”

“It’s okay, Sakurai-kun,” Ohno said. “We always take them down when guests come over.”

Jun rolled his eyes, giving Ohno a shove. “I cannot believe we’ve only been here fifteen minutes, and you’re already starting this shit.”

Nino pointed directly at Sho. “It’s his fault. Blame him!”

Sho patted himself on the back of the head apologetically. “Yeah, I guess I asked for it.”

Jun had never been to a celebratory dinner of this sort before. Because it was a dinner meant to “celebrate” Jun officially turning down the position in Fukuoka in favor of staying in Tokyo, and obviously, with Sho. 

Now that Jun had confessed the full extent of his feelings, now that he’d confirmed that he was committed to their relationship, Sho had gotten increasingly weird. He found excuses to come upstairs at work, to ask about “Takenaka-san’s schedule” when he just wanted to say hello or sneak a kiss from him. He pulled another SK Enterprises box from his bedroom closet shelf, still a little embarrassed to ask but not the least bit ashamed of his acquisitions — a BDSM “kit for beginners” that included a blindfold, some nylon rope, and some soft cuffs. 

And for all that Sho told Jun that he was cute, Sho had become astonishingly affectionate. Jun would be on the brink of sleep, curled up on his side in Sho’s bed, and he’d feel warm breath beside his ear. “You’re amazing,” Sho would whisper, saying nothing else before moving back to his side of the bed. “You’re the best thing that’s happened to me.” “You’re everything that makes me happy.” Little things that he was too embarrassed to say face to face, in the light. Little things that he’d probably clarify, in the light, by saying “well, aside from Saya-chan…”

But Jun didn’t mind. There was something incredible about falling asleep beside Sho and knowing, simply knowing, that he’d wake up and still find him there beside him.

He’d had his official “getting to know you” dinner with Satomi the other night, something he thought would have been incredibly awkward, but instead it had been really nice. She was a good cook, something that Satomi joked had “kept Sho in their marriage” longer than was appropriate. That the two of them could joke that way, that the two of them were committed to raising their child together with little drama, Jun admired them for it. 

Yamashita, Satomi’s boyfriend (Saya-chan’s beloved “Tomo-san”) attended as well, mostly to make things less awkward for Jun. “Meeting Sho-san like this the first time, I thought I was being interrogated by the police,” Yamashita had said, offering a friendly smile as he poured beer for everyone. He was an old high school friend of Satomi’s who currently worked as an architect in some prestigious firm.

“Anyone spending time around my daughter gets the full interrogation,” Sho said snippily, though with a twinkle in his eye. Jun was being treated no differently, and he’d spent the evening answering questions about his past, just because Satomi, like Sho had been with Yamashita, wanted to know more about the man who’d be spending so much time with Sayaka moving forward. It had made Jun feel an extraordinary responsibility, but it had also made him feel all the more important to Sho.

The doorbell rang.

“That would be the food,” Nino said, getting to his feet. Ohno followed him to the door. The two of them were usually too lazy to cook, which meant that they’d ordered in from a place down the street. Sho, who ate just about anything he was presented, was perfectly fine with the arrangement.

Jun leaned over, resting his palm on Sho’s thigh as they sat together in Ohno and Nino’s living room. Months earlier, Jun had been lonely, unfulfilled. Desperately trying to move forward as the world piled on rejection after rejection. He had friends. He had Ohno, he had Nino, he had Aiba. He had Kiko-chan. But happiness, true happiness, had remained elusive. All it had taken for his entire world to change was the arrival of one cat in the waiting room of the Shimura Animal Hospital. 

Had he and Sho been fated to reconnect? He wasn’t sure he believed that, but he appreciated it all the same. When Jun was 17, he’d been told that being with Sho, being close to Sho…it was impossible. But that was then. That was history. And Jun was way more interested in the future than in the past.

Sho looked at him, looking a little nervous. “What is it?”

“Nothing,” Jun said, grinning. “I just like you.”

Sho blushed a little, having a sip of beer. “So you’ve said.”

He brushed a kiss to Sho’s cheek. “I don’t plan to stop.”

“I’m going to vomit on both of you,” Nino announced, entering the room with the take-out bags. “World record projectile vomit.”

“I think they’re cute,” Ohno said, smiling.

When their hosts were cleaning up a while later, this time Sho leaned over and kissed him. When he pulled away, Jun saw determination in his eyes that made his heart pound. Sho twined their fingers, squeezing tight.

“Matsujun, I don’t plan to stop either.”


End file.
